tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16209455389111902512024-03-13T20:22:19.403-07:00Amelie's (unwanted) AdventuresUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger193125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-11573581378464281542021-06-22T18:18:00.008-07:002021-06-22T18:20:24.975-07:00Trash<p> Since a few of you reached out to say you're still around, wanted to share something.</p><p><br /></p><p>There's a literary magazine that we've read for years called <a href="https://www.thesunmagazine.org/" target="_blank">The Sun</a>. Part of their magazine each month is their Readers Write section, which asks people to submit pieces to a pre-selected topic. </p><p><br /></p><p>I haven't written much at all in the last few years that wasn't work related, or geek focused (Dungeons and Dragons). This is my first piece. For anyone who read the blog, it will be familiar territory.</p><p><br /></p><p>Not sure if it will be published, but it was good to write again. The topic was Trash.</p><p><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><b>Trash</b></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">I’m standing above our garbage can on Sunday night, trying to decide whether or not to throw our daughter’s radiation mask away. It’s a surprisingly hard decision to make.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">For those of you fortunate not to know, when a 2 ½ year-old gets brain cancer and they need radiation treatments, radiation technicians make a rigid mask to bolt the kid’s head to the table so they don’t move. The mask is made out of the same material as a cast for an arm, but it’s formed into a mesh. Imagine a luchador mask merged with fishnet stockings.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">To make the process less scary, and maybe even a little fun, child-life staff come in and help the kid paint the mask in a way that makes it more approachable. Amelie painted hers a rainbow (without green, never with green!). She went through the radiation treatments with the same ease that she did everything, no matter how torturous.</p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">She died over 6 years ago, and the mask has sat in the garage since then. When I look at it, I remember all the art she created, the jokes she would tell the doctors, and the constant questions she had for the world. But I also remember the horrific radiation burns, slowly forgetting details like the lyrics to “Do you want to build a snowman?”, and how she stopped eating for the last few months. </p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;"><br /></p><p dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">I place the mask in the garbage bin and gently close the lid. In the end, the sad stuff wins out for today, but not every day. Not if I can help it.</p><div><br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-72874452716941218882021-04-08T05:05:00.003-07:002021-04-08T05:05:29.023-07:00New Post - no content. <p>This is a new post to make sure the blog doesn't get deleted.</p><p><br /></p><p>Anyone still reading this?</p>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-61742120880190572392018-03-07T14:54:00.004-08:002018-03-07T14:54:43.442-08:00Iterations....
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<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Got busy/lazy for the last two weekends and missed my window of writing, so I’m sitting down on a Wednesday evening (after a little gentle love from my wife and someone in her orbit pointing out the first part of this sentence).</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I’m at an Educational Technology conference in Grand Rapids for the next few days (<a href="https://twitter.com/search?q=%23macul18&src=tyah"><span class="s2">#MACUL18</span></a>), and why I mention that will become evident later...</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The post I had originally in mind was one to talk about <a href="https://postsecret.com/"><span class="s2">Postsecret</span></a>, and <a href="https://postsecret.com/2018/02/03/postsecret-the-show-2018-tour/"><span class="s2">Postsecret: The Show</span></a> we got to see two weekends ago. It was a dramatization, both sad and hilarious, of the website, its mission, the secrets, the community, and all sorts of things around that lens. It was, like Postsecret itself, a great experience. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Shelley and I have been reading Postsecret each Sunday since it was created in 2005, as far as we can figure. For those of you who don’t really know what it is, it’s a community art project borne from the mind of Frank Warren. He asked people all over the DC area to send him their secrets, anonymously.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>He took those secrets, scanned them (most likely on one of those ancient flatbed scanners), and then posted a selection of them each weekend. They were a mix of the sad, the silly, the horrendous, the profane, and the profound….they were a cross section of the human experience.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As you became a regular on the site, however, you’d see the through-lines of the secrets….about what might happen if someone finds out about their secret, about what the future might look like if they lost someone specific, if they never found love, or if anyone ever saw the real “them”. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The site really connects with me, and <a href="https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_10?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=postsecret+books&sprefix=postsecret%2Caps%2C621&crid=8W4672YT27IF"><span class="s2">with the books that he’s published</span></a>, I’ve been able to share the idea of Postsecret with many students over the years (</span><span class="s3">Disclaimer: Students who were in 11th or 12th grade, and very, very mature.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>The site has some very raw content inappropriate for middle/early HS students</span><span class="s1">). It connects with me most because in each of our secrets, we feel so alone.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>We feel, often irrationally, that the things we fear people finding out will irreparably change people’s perception of us, and that our lives will be irrevocably changed if that happens. The website shows with humor and gravitas and love and caring that we all share the same fears, and many of the same secrets.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>(It also shows you just how different some people are as well, but let’s not go there…)<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">In a professional development session at the conference today, we dove deep into design thinking, and just how important it is to create moments of “making” in the classroom. The session was amazing, and really connected to me, as I hoped when I signed up for <a href="http://ajjuliani.com/"><span class="s2">AJ Juliani</span></a>’s session. However, it connected with me in ways I didn’t expect.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The main focus of the session was the process of learning, as examined through the process of making things:</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>1.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Look, listen, and learn. Empathize with those that are having the problems. <br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>2.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Ask questions. Tons of questions.<br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>3.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Define and understand the problem, as it exists, and not how you think it exists. </span></div>
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<span class="s1"> (Seek first to understand anyone?)<br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>4.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Brainstorm ideas with the people experiencing them.<br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>5.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Create a prototype and test it out.<br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>6.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Highlight the problems that exist in the process.<br />
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<span class="s1"><span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>7.<span class="Apple-tab-span"> </span>Launch<br />
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As I was listening to the process and his views, I was ruminating on just how useful all of that is in so many areas of my life. What makes good lesson design and teaching is also what makes a good spouse/partner.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s also what makes me a good parent (when I do it right). It’s what I’m learning to do daily in my new job as an instructional technology coach.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Same with pretty much every other area in which I have personal relationships.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">How often have I launched into a rant about what I knew the problems to be, as though I have all the answers? How often have I interrupted someone to tell them what I think, when I needed to spend way, way, way more time empathizing with them? How often have I not worked with a person, but distanced myself from them due to constraints, either from outside, or my own selfishness?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I think back to the times when Amie was sick that we were the most upset, and it was almost always when someone violated those basic rules I just listed. When people would tell us how Amie would be healed if only we did X, Y, and Z.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>As though there was some miracle that we’d decided to ignore.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>They sometimes tried to make us feel better by urging us that everything happened for a reason, and that it was always part of a greater plan. These things were not helpful, and only made us feel more alone.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We are all guilty of it, at times. But I sat there today thinking what it would be like if our lives, and the lives of our students / friends / partners / family / peers, if this was the lens that we decided to adopt?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The other thing Mr. Juliani said that struck me was the value of iterations. It’s the small changes, the microscopic refinements that we do in the process of learning something / getting better at things that are most important. When we do the hard work of learning something, it makes us who we are through failure.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/angela_lee_duckworth_grit_the_power_of_passion_and_perseverance"><span class="s2">builds our grit,</span></a> our determination. Our ability to withstand the hard things that we will face over time.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I look into myself and see all the places I’ve spent so much time on improvement (writing, reading, technology skills, D&D, etc), and the benefits that it has given me. I can also eloquently point out all the places that I haven’t spent anywhere near the amount of time where I could on improvement (treating my body well through what I put in it, working out more, being more considerate to others). </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Postsecret and design thinking smash into me in one more way...the technology that surrounds us in such helpful and destructive ways. Postsecret: The Show’s main takeaway is that we are not alone.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>We are surrounded by so many caring and loving people, yet we don’t know it. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Facebook / Instagram / Twitter / Snapchat urges us to tell our stories, but in so many ways, it’s like the parallel play that you see two toddlers doing on a carpet….playing near each other, but not communicating at all. We see all these people, but don’t really communicate with them, even a little.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">AJ Juliani charged us with doing an action item as we left the session today. So, this blog post is the first step of my action item, and what I’m asking you to do is the second part. Today (within 10 minutes of you reading this), reach out to someone and connect. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Connect in a real way, through words that are carefully woven. Do it through some authentic way.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Write a letter, or make a phone call. Send a text to someone who needs it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Reach out and make a lunch date.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>Do it now. Make that small change, and strengthen the community you belong to in this small way. See what kind of ripples you might cause in our community pond.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Have a good week all.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I’ll do my best to follow my own advice.</span></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-18686913078664561912018-02-18T13:19:00.000-08:002018-02-18T13:23:33.297-08:00...that might be a felony, again!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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I had something prepared to write about for this week, but going to punt to next week for that one. <br />
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A whole bunch of things kind of collided in my head this week, and I think that’s when you know you’ve got a good thing to write about.<br />
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I’ll also give you this mild disclaimer as I exercise my Elder Sage status <span style="color: blue; font-size: x-small;"><insert sarcasm here></span>, I might be a bit challenging in this post, and I look forward to reading the feedback on it. Please push back if you feel called to do that, as I think that hearing a well-thought out (kind) response to one’s thoughts is critical to really knowing what you think.<br />
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The core of what has been bouncing around my head is the idea of trauma, how one deals with it, recovers from it, and the community that forms (hopefully) around those that are suffering from that trauma. Of course, part of this is the shooting that happened in Florida. Horrible, too close to home, and just damned awful. <br />
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But too, way more close to home is the ongoing trauma that a good friend of mine at work is going through with her daughter, as well as with a student at one of our elementaries who was diagnosed with a pretty aggressive cancer. Each of these cases is just damned awful, and in ways that you just don’t think about at first blush. <br />
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Each of these cases creates trauma….pain, damage, and loss that is incredibly hard to even fathom from someone on the outside of the bubble. Those on the inside of the trauma are doing their absolute best to first get through the day, and do it in a way that causes no harm. Their lives, like ours was in the last months of 2012, are just holding on to the rollercoaster that keeps going round and round, with no apparent rhyme or reason, and without your consent. It is not fun. After they get through the day-to-day, they just hope to have a life left to put back together when it’s all done.<br />
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But a community sprung up quickly around us, and in most cases I hope always does to some extent. People’s suffering connects with us on a visceral level, and most people want to help take some of that away. <br />
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Being optimistic, I think people want to try to take away some of the suffering that they see in the world, especially when it’s part of a community that they are invested in. On a slightly more cynical note, I think people want to at least put some chips in the pot lest they find themselves in a similar situation at some point in their lives, and want to have a community spring up around them.<br />
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My sister married into a Mexican family in 1997, and I got to experience what it meant to see an entire community surround a couple to provide for their needs. The community might not have had fat stacks of cash to dish out, but their small sacrifice, multiplied by the size of the community, enabled the her new family to have pretty much everything they needed. They showed up again for their first born too. That wrapping around and providing just stuck with me, as I’m still thinking and talking about it a full 21 years later. They saw the need, and they filled it, with the expectation that if they were in need, the rest of the community would do so without being asked.<br />
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Here’s where I start being “poky”, as Shelley and Anya would say (think porcupine). Social media helps us connect, but I think in some ways it also makes it far easier to do something, but not really anything. When we like a post, or even share/retweet it to our bubbles, it gives us the feeling that we “did something”. Yes, it does amplify the message, but on some level, it’s just wind.<br />
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I know it’s considered incredibly harsh to talk about religion in this way (Religion and Politics are both landmines!), but simply put, giving someone your thoughts and prayers is not helpful. What helps people who are in trauma? Actions. People being physically present, and doing things that will help them in the immediate future make their lives a tiny bit easier.<br />
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If you have a person who is in trauma in their lives, make a tray of lasagna (divide and store in individual ziplock containers!), go clean their house (with permission people, if not, that’s a felony!), buy them some gift cards to some easy restaurants, steal their cars to get their oil changed or tired rotated (with permission people, if not, that’s a felony...again!), or any other list of similar things. Think of what you keep putting off because you just “don’t have enough time!”, and then realize how much less time they have to deal with the normal little things in life. <br />
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When I was working in television, I had to go out and interview people from a community in the Thumb where a farmer was killed in an accident on his farm, in the middle of the sugar beet harvest. The next day, when I arrived with my camera to get comments, the fields were filled with people who had brought their own tractors (is that the right word for the house sized machines that they use?) to bring in that family’s sugar beets, before they had finished their own. Tables of food, coffee, and desserts were overflowing for those that arrived. They did not use words to convey their desire to help. Instead, they showed up and did the things that needed to be done.<br />
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What am I saying? In my incredibly preachy, standing on my stack of milk crates style of speaking….If you know someone in trauma: Do something. Do it now. Do it often.<br />
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If you hear about someone in need that you feel is pulling your heart, do something small. Do something big. Do something outrageous that people will talk about for years (with permission people, if not, that might be a felony, again), and make a difference in their lives. Now. <br />
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Going to sign off now and head home. Does anyone else have a hard time composing one’s thoughts at home? I can’t write a lick when I have all my creature comforts so close to me, let alone my distractions.<br />
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<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aP3VuRAAjnU/WonuXdciu6I/AAAAAAAAVfg/R_OmnRPLO5MScU26Hg-mQqcsA4vfWJdgwCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_3229.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aP3VuRAAjnU/WonuXdciu6I/AAAAAAAAVfg/R_OmnRPLO5MScU26Hg-mQqcsA4vfWJdgwCLcBGAs/s400/IMG_3229.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
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I'll end this with a pic of Anya doing what she loves doing the most, reading. She's read more books than most people, in their entire lifetime. I love this girl, and she's amazing. Woo!<br />
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<span style="color: blue;"><Note the handmade knitted slippers. Hmmmm...where'd she get those from?></span></div>
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Have a good week everyone!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-83055370593724731402018-02-12T09:25:00.002-08:002018-02-12T09:29:10.261-08:00State of the Strzalkowski's - 2018Greetings greater blog-reading community!<br />
<br />Firstly, for anyone still interested in reading this, thank you. <br /><br />I’ve written 3-4 blog posts over the last 18 months, and each time decided, after a lot of internal conflict not to post them. Ultimately, each time, I keep coming back to the idea that me sitting around pondering the ideas of healing, grief, struggle, success, and a whole lot more isn’t really the “purpose” of the blog, as it was written. <br /><br />But, over the last 6 months, for reasons I’ll probably write about here in the next little bit on this super sunny, unexpected snow day, I’ve gotten several really decent nudges from life. Ignoring those nudges, or whatever you want to call them, seems just...wrong. So, here we go. As someone said to me recently, if someone doesn’t want to read this, they aren’t going to click through. <br /><br />For those of you with good memories, or with properly set up calendars, you’ll notice that tomorrow is the three year anniversary of Amie’s death. I choose the word death due to a conversation I had with Shelley a while back, in regards to the use of words to decrease the power of death, and how that sometimes makes things less true, less honest. Seeking always to be honest (and kind), I will use death, because she did not pass, she did not collect $200, and did not go straight to jail. She died. So there.<br /><br />Back to it, Amie died 3 years ago, and since the annual State of the State was a few weeks ago (or a few years ago in TrumpNewsCycleTime), I thought it might be appropriate to do a State of the Strzalkowski’s to start. <br /><b><br />Anya:</b> Anya is now in 5th grade, and still at her wonderful little school she’s been in since Kindergarten. She’s grown a TON in the last year, and is every bit the reader she’s ever been. She’s also really, really gotten into <a href="https://scratch.mit.edu/">Scratch</a>, which is a computer programming platform developed by MIT (yes, that <a href="http://web.mit.edu/">MIT</a>) to help urge more kids to follow the design mindset STEM fields that we so desperately need for the next generation. She has done tons of swim lessons in the last 2 years, and is now a really confident swimmer, has taken up piano lessons, and done a few recitals. She’s doing just great.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DDLOGKyb6O0/WoHLjIANzWI/AAAAAAAAVec/IcmsbV6nK-cIA2TQECwVUShSSjBjwm7wQCLcBGAs/s1600/IMG_2858.jpg" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DDLOGKyb6O0/WoHLjIANzWI/AAAAAAAAVec/IcmsbV6nK-cIA2TQECwVUShSSjBjwm7wQCLcBGAs/s320/IMG_2858.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<br /><b>Shelley: </b> Shelley went back to work at the beginning of 2017, into the same agency, but a new division. She works mainly with clients who are much lower levels of need, and seems to really be enjoying her new position. She’s knitting, crafting, and creating as much as ever. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rj3Ys650WbA/WoHLgXBxMMI/AAAAAAAAVeY/nAgGhG5ZgvwEFnzQujgqvPb-LaQXYv9mgCLcBGAs/s1600/blog1.jpg"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-rj3Ys650WbA/WoHLgXBxMMI/AAAAAAAAVeY/nAgGhG5ZgvwEFnzQujgqvPb-LaQXYv9mgCLcBGAs/s400/blog1.jpg" width="300" /></a></div>
<br /><b>Jason:</b> I still work for the same school district, but was hired into a new position at the beginning of this school year. I am now an Instructional Technology Coach for the district. (I teach teachers and students how to bring more technology into their practice to elevate their teaching, and increase learning) For anyone who knows me well, this is the stuff I’ve been doing for years on the side, and now I’ve gotten the opportunity to do it full time. I really miss the day-to-day with the kids, and need to work in some ways to consistently do more of that. But I really do enjoy the ability to get into classrooms (‘specially the elementary levels!) and work with teachers there. <br /><br />I ran my first half-marathon in October, and then pretty much fell off the exercise bandwagon immediately. Shelley (I believe it was her…) once said that goals are really problematic when it comes to many things, because once you meet them, the brain often sees that as a thing that’s done (CHECK!), and you go back to learned behaviors. Habits, however, are learned behaviors that you follow through on because that’s what you always do. I need to do better in developing the physical fitness stuff into habits in 2018 (once the world thaws), and less on the goal side of things. <br /><br />All-in-all, things are going really well for us, minus the whole “your kid died”, which is both overwhelmingly awful, and shockingly small, depending on the day (I am speaking entirely from my perspective, and the external stuff I see from Shel. I have not yet developed the ability to read people’s minds, and I’m altogether sure that I would never really want to have that ability anyway...specially working mostly in a middle school). On a day to day basis, you’d never know that we’re any different than most other families. We have this scar on our souls, and it heals a bit more each day/week/month. It’s just when something presses hard on it that you really see its effects.<br /><br />One of the things that “nudged” me was a conversation that I had with someone a few weeks back. They were talking about a friend of theirs who was struggling really hard with something personal. They made the comment that they’d picked up their phone so many times to call or text them, but each time they had not done it because they really didn’t want to say the wrong thing, or interrupt them in a time of pain. <br /><br />Hearing this REALLY hit a tender place, as it’s something that Shel and I have talked about many times, which is the overwhelming loneliness that accompanies the apocalypse of a diagnosis such as Amie’s. (This is not specific to cancer, but any life-changing event/diagnosis that creates an immediate before/after)<br /><br />So when this person said she didn’t want to call and interrupt, I took a few beats, and then kindly and firmly said that there was no bad time, as all times were "bad", in the sense that there was never a time that they weren't living with the reality of their new lives, post apocalypse. If they wanted to connect with the person, they should always call, always connect, always reach out (<a href="http://amelie-strzalkowski.blogspot.com/2014/06/what-words-can-express.html">assuming it was in kindness and desire to help, and not dump in</a>). The hesitation, the lack of calling, the ghosting (to use modern internet parlance) is a wound all in itself.<br /><br />I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and here’s my “Assuming best intent” way I’ve come to terms with our social interactions with others since Amie’s diagnosis. Social relationships are like really extensive spiderwebs. We weave the strands between each other in our relationships when we do things together, almost always in person. We sit in our quiet moments and spend time with each other. Sometimes it’s watching kids play, others in doing a communal activity. We help each other move to a new house, babysit, listen to a break-up story, or go on a wild adventure. We lash ourselves to each other, knowing that we’re in motion due to life and aging, and kids aging, and it’s those lashes that stabilize us in times of need.<br /><br />Once those webs are created and tied off, they don’t require a ton of reinforcement, but they do need some. A text, an email, or a call will usually suffice under normal circumstances. But when something happens that causes one person to stop motion, it sometimes tears those webs apart, because the other group moves along down life’s path, completely out of their control, while the other person has to stop and deal with their own event/tragedy. When you go through one of those situations, for some, the webs can rip away, and you’re left with the tatters of the relationships that are no longer there, in addition to the tragedy. <br /><br />Adding on top of this is the normalcy of self-imposed social isolation. (<a href="https://whatsyourgrief.com/social-isolation/">Shelley shared this great article to me last week</a>, and has me reflecting hard on it). Inside my own head, I never know how much to share, and when to share it. I’ve talked about Amie in times I thought appropriate and saw looks of abject horror on the other person’s face due to how blunt I talked about it, and how little they were prepared to have that conversation. At times I’ve even used her death as a weapon, smacking someone upside the head with it, as a means to put in context just how insignificant (to me) their problem they were railing about really was in the big picture of things. <br /><br />However, there are loads more times I avoid the conversation, and just breeze past things. I choose to eat in my office, instead of with co-workers. I go do the things by myself, instead of inviting others. I put the headphones on and play my video games, instead of connecting with Shelley when she’s reaching out. <br /><br />I know that this is easier, that it’s better for me to do things with others, to plan events, to act in ways like I’d like others to act...but it’s just so much easier to float down the river of the easy path, and not do the work involved in filling the bucket.<br /><br />So. Make the phone call, send the text, and do the thing to connect with those people who are struggling. Conversely, if you’re the person struggling...be open to the person who reaches out, sends the text, and wants to help lift that burden a little bit.<br /><br />I’m at 3 pages now, and have 5 more topics that I had noted that I wanted to write about. I think that’s a good thing, yes? So. I’m going to sign off now, and then post another blog post next week...Really.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">
<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TzSWB0ZhcU8/UwIgRy2peLI/AAAAAAAAJaE/ZBlLPO7U2z8PaIqt2q7KjNNi9RkuQfR7gCPcBGAYYCw/s1600/IMG_5306.jpg"><img border="0" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TzSWB0ZhcU8/UwIgRy2peLI/AAAAAAAAJaE/ZBlLPO7U2z8PaIqt2q7KjNNi9RkuQfR7gCPcBGAYYCw/s400/IMG_5306.jpg" /></a></div>
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Hope everyone is doing well, and think of Amie tomorrow (Feb. 13th). </div>
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Tell a silly joke to someone if you can, and if nothing else, draw a rainbow somewhere and smile.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-66997590969710945192016-07-09T12:43:00.001-07:002016-07-09T12:43:22.229-07:00As any of you who are still checking this have noticed, I haven’t posted anything in 6 months. <div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
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As any of you who are still checking this have noticed, I
haven’t posted anything in 6 months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Hello!<o:p></o:p></div>
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I got a message this week from the father of a former
student, and it was a sincere request to know how my family is doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The honest to goodness answer is….all over
the place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the outside, we are
doing great.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anya reads so much on a
daily basis that it’s an honest to goodness problem for us, in that she’s
avoiding doing all the things that she’s supposed to be doing to contribute to
the house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley is slowly moving back
into the realm of work, working on a contract basis for the director of her
agency. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am doing just fine at work,
and consistently being recognized as a teacher of quality in my district.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re all good, honestly.<o:p></o:p></div>
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It’s so strange, however, about the way that cancer has
hallowed out a place in our heads, in our hearts, and in our lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think of how a tumor grows, (pardon my lack
of actual medical knowledge in the comment that follows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not a doctor, and have no actual medical
knowledge beyond that which I have gleaned from random internet sources) in
that it sucks the blood and energy and life force out of the organs around it,
for its own purposes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When a tumor is
cut out, it leaves this gap, this void.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I imagine that void creates its own problems that need to be dealt with,
as Amie’s void has created for us.<o:p></o:p></div>
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That void is pretty insidious though.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Anya, it manifests in a pretty consistent
desire to be perfect…She reacts so harshly to criticism of any kind, such as
redirecting her to her daily chores when she sneaks away to read.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Shelley, I see her just dwelling in this
state of loneliness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lacking any
concrete way to connect that “normal” people have, she spends a lot of time with
Anya and I, and never really gets to escape our space.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, I am restless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m like a shark most days, doing whatever it
is that I need to do to turn off my churning brain.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m still running (registered for the Crim and the Free
Press ½ Marathon) a lot, and playing video games, and reading Reddit, and
reading Slate, and reading books, and playing Magic: The Gathering, and, and,
and.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve always been restless, and I’ve
always needed more stimulation in my daily activities than most…but it’s been
distilled down so much worse than ever since Amie died.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not a good thing, and I know I need to
be able to find peace with the silence, with the quiet, with the acceptance of
a calm moment, but it’s not somewhere that I’m at right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Will I ever be?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Who knows.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I am re-reading (for the 3<sup>rd</sup> time? 4<sup>th</sup>
Time?) Neil Gaiman’s <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">American Gods</b>
right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had no intention of
re-reading it, but my niece Allyssa wanted to read it, and well…it was there
(kindle version, digital), and I read a few pages and fell back into it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was reading this morning and came across this
line in the book:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“There are stories
that are true, in which each individual’s tale is unique and tragic, and the
worst of the tragedy is that we have heard it before, and we cannot allow
ourselves to feel it too deeply.”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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This passage spoke to me, and forced me to stop reading
right there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was a perfect way to
describe where I’m at right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have
felt numb for some time, in regards to the problems that are facing so many
others in my circles.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good friend of
mine’s chronic illness has slipped another few notches towards the really “not
good”, and another’s wife received a cancer diagnosis that is the pinnacle of “not
good”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s not even approaching the
horror of the national news that is Orlando, and Dallas, and, and, and.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’ve been really unable to open myself to
help them, or even talk about it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I see people’s gaping chasms of pain and awfulness, fully
aware of how terrible they are for them, and can’t engage with them right now.
I know this makes me a tad bit of a coward, as I have experiences that might be
able to help, might be able to at least let them know that they aren’t
alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But that same void inside of me
is just….waiting to leap out and swallow anything it can get its hands on, and
I just won’t let it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I was out for a long run this morning and stopped by Amie’s
grave.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t go there that much, compared
to Shelley, as I know that she’s not “there”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But it’s a gorgeous spot, and easily in the path of the nicest run in
Howell, and well, it’s where she’s summoned to memory in the easiest way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People have left her all sorts of things at
her grave; stones, toys, flowers, art, and even a small concrete Weeping
Buddha.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was standing there, taking a
break and sweating profusely as is my habit, and a wave of unfairness overcame
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I usually don’t think about how
grossly unfair it is that we had three pregnancies, and now have one kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(an incredibly awesome kid!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it did, and I let it wash over me, and
then kept running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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But I think about the quote above, and how guarded I am with
my emotions these days, protecting myself from them, preventing them from
tearing me up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that part of being a
guy, that process where we don’t want to let ourselves feel, or just the place
that I’ve built for myself?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Long run, it’s not the person I want to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not going to help me be a better
teacher, or a good friend.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it’s
where I am now.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, at the end of all this rumination, I’d like to put forth
(again) that we’re doing just fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Cracked, in some ways, but not broken, and not defeated in the least.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List Continue 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Message Header"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Salutation"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Date"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text First Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Block Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Hyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="FollowedHyperlink"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Document Map"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Plain Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="E-mail Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Top of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Bottom of Form"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal (Web)"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Acronym"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Address"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Cite"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Code"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Definition"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Keyboard"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Preformatted"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Sample"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Typewriter"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="HTML Variable"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Normal Table"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="annotation subject"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="No List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Outline List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Simple 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Classic 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Colorful 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Columns 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Grid 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table List 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table 3D effects 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Contemporary"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Elegant"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Professional"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Subtle 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Web 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Balloon Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Table Theme"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 7"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 8"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Note Level 9"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
Name="List Paragraph"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
Name="Subtle Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="List Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="List Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="List Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="List Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="List Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="List Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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With all of that, a few pictures:<o:p></o:p></div>
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Anya continues to be our own Luna Lovegood (for those of you in the potterverse). I asked her what this costume was, and she just said it looked good to her, and asked to have her picture taken.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-90tSpgs7jW8/V4FRiTI00tI/AAAAAAAAM08/P2berO6O6QYPlqkIfc2O-IJ7w0ogG9DCACLcB/s1600/IMG_1568.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-90tSpgs7jW8/V4FRiTI00tI/AAAAAAAAM08/P2berO6O6QYPlqkIfc2O-IJ7w0ogG9DCACLcB/s640/IMG_1568.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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Anya turned 9 in June, and I just love this picture. So happy. </div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8tps-dL4CAE/V4FRjhEAwYI/AAAAAAAAM1A/6WfnZ8A8apAUusgyk9a3NocKVhRCwra6wCLcB/s1600/IMG_1576.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-8tps-dL4CAE/V4FRjhEAwYI/AAAAAAAAM1A/6WfnZ8A8apAUusgyk9a3NocKVhRCwra6wCLcB/s400/IMG_1576.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Anya reads a lot. A LOT. She wanted a "reading" birthday party. I was scared. Most people do not read as much as her.</div>
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But Shelley and Anya worked out a great plan, and it was a total success. <br /><br />These are edible books made of fondant (I'm told that's a sort of frosting). I was beyond impressed with these. In awe, more like it...</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7VpU6P5Jygg/V4FRksEDnEI/AAAAAAAAM1I/Wt2D8pfTSDsp3ksHPO0rrdlbYVLR5g5XQCLcB/s1600/IMG_1590.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7VpU6P5Jygg/V4FRksEDnEI/AAAAAAAAM1I/Wt2D8pfTSDsp3ksHPO0rrdlbYVLR5g5XQCLcB/s640/IMG_1590.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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I know this pains some of my friends who went to MSU with me. We took these for a photo collage for Allyssa's graduation from HS. It's the only close up family pic I could find.</div>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pX5v_6sZIrg/V4FRnY04C5I/AAAAAAAAM1M/y8bBo9Kzuh8Z7ZFRTyE6ujWiiQXy8GMmQCLcB/s1600/IMG_1648.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="331" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-pX5v_6sZIrg/V4FRnY04C5I/AAAAAAAAM1M/y8bBo9Kzuh8Z7ZFRTyE6ujWiiQXy8GMmQCLcB/s400/IMG_1648.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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I made the girls stop the Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum on the way to our roadtrip to Arkansas. It was a great experience, and they even enjoyed it too! Look how happy Anya is!</div>
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EN1GTUJsTGw/V4FRpl4OPAI/AAAAAAAAM1Q/fQrIl1DpynEuHQ5xYik2aTKq0fx-57qRgCLcB/s1600/IMG_1687.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-EN1GTUJsTGw/V4FRpl4OPAI/AAAAAAAAM1Q/fQrIl1DpynEuHQ5xYik2aTKq0fx-57qRgCLcB/s640/IMG_1687.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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(Pardon my hairy legs, please) This is Canvas. She's the new addition to our family.<br /><br />Amie always wanted a kitty. We posted about it often. </div>
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She couldn't have one, because of the immune system issues. </div>
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It took us a while, and we finally got to the point where we were ready to welcome some new life into our home, and Canvas arrived a few weeks ago. </div>
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She's totally bitey, and in attack mode right now, but every once in a while, she does slow down and become the cuddliest kitten you'd ever want.</div>
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I guess, to me, she represents the healing process, and the welcoming of the unknown into your life. She's new, and she's wild, and she's changing the dynamic of what it means to be us. </div>
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But, I guess that's what living life is, to a small extent, yes? </div>
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Welcoming the glorious unknown into your life to see what it brings?</div>
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<b>Hope all is well for each and every one of you.</b></div>
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-58392270977655106912016-01-31T14:01:00.002-08:002016-01-31T14:43:08.173-08:0031: Thankful for so, so many things...<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For those of you who follow me here, but not on Facebook, it’s
been a while.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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About 5 weeks ago, on Christmas Day, I started a
thankfulness project, to help kickstart my waning thankfulness/optimism/cheerfulness
and decrease the negativity/cranky in my <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The wonderful and creative Jennifer Garland came up with a list of
possible names for the project, and I chose #thankynotcranky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been a fun 5 weeks, and several others
joined in as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: "wingdings"; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I wasn’t sure how long I was going to ride the #thankynotcranky
train, but thinking this is going to be my last formal post, #31.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It gives me a “month” of posts in just over 5
weeks, and I think that’s just about right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Hell, it worked well enough to get me out of the house, away from my
video games (Divinity: Original Sin Extended Edition), and using my
wordsmithery to process….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So yeah, a lot
more thanky, a lot less cranky.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Before I wrap up my #thankynotcranky project, I wanted to
riff on a few things that have been bouncing around my brain like a superball
the last few months.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Firstly, I love words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>LOVE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love new words, precise
words, the correct spelling of words, and all things in between.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I wasn’t as lazy as I am, I’d know a few
languages too, because then I’d know more words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, I always strive to use the correct
word in any given situation…correct in context, syntax, grammar, and the whole
shebang. <o:p></o:p></div>
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With all of that being said, when I refer to my family, do I
refer to my family as “kid” or “kids”?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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For example:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Yeah, that sounds like a something my kids would love!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Yeah, that sounds like something my kid would love!<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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When I speak in the past tense, I can easily use kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I speak about the future, I feel like I’m
lying, or faking, or in some state of denial when I say “kids”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not any longer have “kids”, I have a “kid”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But then again, I would never want to deny the awesomeness
of having Amelie for the time that we had her with us, and if anyone ever
thought that I was doing so, it would wound my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was a great kid, and she was my bud, and
nothing will ever change that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I just sounds so damned weird when I am speaking about
something and reply with kids…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but then
again not to use kids seems just as wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know, something most people don’t
care about, but well, it feels real, so that means it is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’m a full page into writing, so I guess I ought to give a
bit about “how are things? How is Shelley? How is Anya?” (as my Dad would
ask).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things are as good as they can
be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s about the best I can say.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The best way I can say to describe it is to describe the
weekend we just had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anya was away at
Special Days camp (more later, and in many previous blogs).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She left Friday afternoon and returned today
at 2:15p.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had talked sporadically
about doing a bunch of different stuff, but I knew, deep down, that if we were
going to do anything, it needed to be me that was the propulsion system for
that adventure.</div>
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<br /></div>
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There’s nothing wrong, but there’s also this empty spot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That spot is the sum total of: all the joy of
Amie, all the caring for Amie, all the 2<sup>nd</sup> kid stuff you have to do,
all the hospital visits, all the cancer anxieties, all the car rides to Mott,
all of it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That empty spot (I don’t want
to say hole, because that’s inherently negative) is just <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">there</b>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s slowly being
chipped away to make it smaller, and getting filled in here and there with new
passions and activities….but it’s there….and some days, the vacuum of empty
pulls the energy in from other places and just makes it too hard to move past what
you do to survive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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So, we hung out this weekend, watched a bunch of stuff, had
some good food out, and made some good meals in.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We enjoyed each other’s company, parallel played
for a while, and then went and got Anya.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Was it exciting? No.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it
alright? Yes.<o:p></o:p></div>
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I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Special Days camp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anya went (again, 4<sup>th</sup> year!) to
winter camp for Special Days, <http://specialdays.camp/> and once again
it was the shining star of her winter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
wish (at times) I could jump into her head to see what exactly she loves about
it so much, but she just loves it so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When Amie died, we asked that people send donations in lieu of flowers
to that organization.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What they do,
simply put, is amazing.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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With all of the above being said, I wanted to give one last
blast of #thankynotcranky.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For my 31<sup>st</sup>
post, I want to be thankful for:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jennifer Overholt – A student who I’ve sung the praises of
way too much on this blog, but who just returned from volunteering at Special
Days camp, again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She goes there because
she, as a soon-to-be-nurse, knows that the kids there deserve normalcy as much
as any other kid, and the work that needs to be done to ensure that normal is
far more than most people would imagine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Thanks for doing that work, Jen, and to do it for free.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Special Days Camp – You give my daughter a week each summer,
and a weekend each winter, where she can run around and be free from all the
anxieties, fears, grief, and dashed expectations of her parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You do it with minimal financial costs from
the parents, and have staff like Stan who so desperately care for my kid
(kids?) that I am brought to tears each time I see you.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Kim (head custodian at McBride) – I have never seen a person
work as hard as you do to keep our aging building looking as good as it does,
each and every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never seen
you sitting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never seen you talking
on your cell phone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have never seen
you hiding from work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have only seen
you doing the small, detail oriented things that make things sparkle, and are
nearly never noticed. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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People who send anonymous gifts – (this is NOT a plea for
such a thing, just a blanket thanks, as we cannot send proper thank you
cards!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the people who have sent
anonymous gifts to my family over the past 3.5 years…thank you from the bottom
of my heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>From the bag that someone
made with the cat embroidery on it and the girl’s pictures, to the blankets for
each of us, to the purple tulips that arrived last week…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>we appreciate all of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The fact that people are still thinking about
Amie a year after her death makes us smile, and reminds us that the power of
her story reached way beyond family and friends, and snaked its way out into
many of your lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Thank you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Deeply.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
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With that said, I’ll wrap it up and share a few pictures:<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yj1uGC1b3ck/Vq6CpukiHPI/AAAAAAAAMt0/6R26rkDP2CI/s1600/Camp.1.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-yj1uGC1b3ck/Vq6CpukiHPI/AAAAAAAAMt0/6R26rkDP2CI/s400/Camp.1.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
This is Anya with Stan, the saintly gentleman who takes care of Anya year after year on the bus to Special Days. What a wonderful, amazing team. This was leaving for Anya's first camp ever, when she was 5 (according to my limited researching).<br />
<br />
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7kGdfWEUb0o/Vq6CpeawgqI/AAAAAAAAMt4/tBFW10-oYaM/s1600/camp2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="298" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7kGdfWEUb0o/Vq6CpeawgqI/AAAAAAAAMt4/tBFW10-oYaM/s400/camp2.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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This is Anya returning from that camp. Such good sister-friends.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TBj6vWWH610/Vq6DApcmULI/AAAAAAAAMuE/oZtiYq0NTH8/s1600/IMG_1134.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TBj6vWWH610/Vq6DApcmULI/AAAAAAAAMuE/oZtiYq0NTH8/s400/IMG_1134.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Here is us sending Anya off to her 4th camp. Still willing to take a picture with us, so that's a win! :)</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TJLIhEsjtUU/Vq6Cz-rYBdI/AAAAAAAAMuA/rXPiJhWqV1g/s1600/IMG_1136.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-TJLIhEsjtUU/Vq6Cz-rYBdI/AAAAAAAAMuA/rXPiJhWqV1g/s400/IMG_1136.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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...and finally, our mantel, as we walk the last 13 days until the 1st anniversary of Amie's death.</div>
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The world is a sadder, less-brilliant, and less sorted place without you, m'darling. But know that the people you touched with your jokes, your hugs, your shoulder rides, and your squeezes have not forgotten you one iota. You're a good kid, Amie, and we miss you more than you will ever understand.</div>
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<b>Rest well, Ams.</b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-66951464201128604812015-12-25T18:08:00.002-08:002015-12-25T18:08:28.607-08:00Thankful project, instead of a blog post...<div class="MsoNormal">
I have started, and deleted, so many blog posts in the last
two months.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Endless streams of words
that I type, read, and delete.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over an
over again, I write a bunch of stuff, and then chuck it into the trash because
it’s just too negative to post.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Thanksgiving and Christmas have been exceptionally hard, for
the regular reasons, but also for the indescribable reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t say why I am feeling so ungrateful,
but I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t say why (exactly) I
have so little patience, to little empathy, and so little optimism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I do.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, again, this is not who I (think) am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am the person who seeks to right the
wrongs, to fight the good fight, and to make the world a better place.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But. But.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, with that being said, I’m going to be doing a side project
for the next month, and if it catches, keep doing it for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My project is this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>force myself to be grateful for one thing
each day, and publically post that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
can’t say that they will all be gloriously transcendent, or that even all of them
will make sense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’m going to force
myself to focus, at least once each day, to be grateful for one thing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m going to take a picture of that one thing, or something
that represents that thing, and then cross post it to FB, Instagram
(@jasonstrzalkowski) and Twitter (@fossileyes).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you want to comment, comment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want to like, like.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you want to ignore, ignore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I’m hoping that my empathy pool, my
utter belief in the goodness of humanity, and my connection to the larger
community out there will be redrawn, repaired, and renewed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If not that, as it’s a little high-minded, at
least I’ll have a project, and it will be amusing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that, my next post will be my first thankful moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have a snazzy name for these things,
let me know.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m running short of snaz
right now.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Hope all is well with all of you, and that you had a great
Christmas surrounded by those who love and care for you.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-9785874301114598432015-10-05T17:05:00.004-07:002015-10-05T17:05:56.199-07:00You Did It!<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Firstly, thanks for still tuning in, for those of you who
are still reading, still interested, and still on our journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A lot has happened in the last 6 weeks, most
of all school started up again, and I entered the extremely fun, totally chaotic,
and ever eventful tumble-dry year of teaching middle school.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m teaching a new course this year, Computer
Education, and the time/attention it takes is truly overwhelming, not to
mention the fact that the 7<sup>th</sup> graders that I (mostly) teach are just….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>7<sup>th</sup> graders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More on that later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The next reason it’s been so long is that I wanted to delay
the next post until our super-special reveal was ready to go. Today it is, and
we can pull the curtain away on it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More
on that later.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I wanted to start by riffing a little bit on some things that have been
bouncing around my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We started back
at Ele’s Place two weeks ago, and I’ve really enjoyed the conversations going
on this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not sure if it’s me, if
it’s the people in our group, or what…but it’s no longer as taxing to me to go
to the sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve had several
really good discussions about things over the last few weeks that I feel like
I’ve been able to make valuable contributions to, and get little nuggets
from.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A woman in our group made the comment that “It never gets
better”, in regards to losing a kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
disagreed, vehemently, but I’d never say that to her in that setting.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To me, it’s always changing, the grief, if
you let it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s always a different
thing, week to week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss Amie more
than I can ever explain, but at the same time, I can hold a simultaneous
thought that I’m truly glad she doesn’t have to go through the treatments
anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s free of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But she’s also free of being able to spend
time with Shelley doing crafts at the table, and playing silly games with Anya,
or riding on top of my shoulders, playing with the wispy remains of my hair. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To say that it doesn’t get any better, to me, seems to not
let it change.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To not let it flow
through you, and recognize all the facets, and all the variables that it can
take on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you hold on to it so damned
tight, squeezing it for all it’s worth…you don’t let it change, you don’t let
it free.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m not saying I’m anything
even close to an expert at this whole grief thing… I just know what is working
for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Letting things happen, and
trying to be totally present to the way I feel…that works for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honoring the feelings I am having, and
letting them happen, not fighting them…that’s what works for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crying like a little baby at a movie, at a
commercial, at a tv show…that works for me. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other thing that’s been bouncing around in my skull is
the idea that there is a price, and a benefit, of pain like losing Amie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The price, of course, is the hollowing out
that happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the stuff of
nightmares, the anxiety in the middle of the night about what the rest of your
life looks like, with this on your shoulder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This is not good.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it
lessens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(see above paragraphs)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But there are so many things that are happening for Shelley
and I, and to Anya to a lesser extent, as a direct result of the grief, and the
hollowing out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The running is one such
thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve been actively running now
for 9 weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley has gone from
running 90 seconds the first week of August and really (REALLY) hating it, to
running 40 minutes today, and really starting to enjoy it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> She ran her first 5k this weekend. </span>I ran my first 10k, and did it
in 52:20.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve dropped nearly 30 lbs.
now, and have an entire area of my wardrobe available to me again.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-17TWrme6gKE/VhMPl4JCYEI/AAAAAAAAMok/WxFUZV6Yj0M/s1600/IMG_1537.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-17TWrme6gKE/VhMPl4JCYEI/AAAAAAAAMok/WxFUZV6Yj0M/s400/IMG_1537.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I could go on and on about the running, but I don’t want to
be annoying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realize that running is a
lot like my other passions (Dungeons and Dragons, Magic: The Gathering, random
RPG video games, etc), whereas it’s a small group of people who are WILDLY
passionate about it, and most other people just look at it in slightly amused
confusion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I say all this just to say
that it’s something that’s working for us, and never, ever would have happened
had we not been given this massive kick to the soul this past year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a final thing, I see how much better of a teacher I am
becoming because of this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not 100%,
because I think my patience and tolerance of off-task silliness has really
suffered…but my ability to work harder, work more, and push myself and my
students further in pursuit of making themselves the best version of
themselves….yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YES.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I see what I’m asking them to do, and it’s so much more, and
deeper, than I was doing previously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
pushing them in content, yes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But we’re
also writing more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m grading them for
grammar and capitalization.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
reasoning, and backing up their statements with fact.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m pushing them to be more rational, and to
be more questioning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want them to do
more…because Amie couldn’t, and wont, and can’t….and I think that’s a net gain
for them, and a net win for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
probably sounds self-serving or something… but it’s good to know that I can do
that again, and can find the place within me to push push push, where it needs
to be done.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok. Enough about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anya is doing fantastically, and is really growing into a
“big girl”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s slowly, slowly
becoming her own little adultish person, in that she no longer lives for our
adulation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She just wants to read, and
do it all the time, and does a fantastic amount of work to get out of doing
anything but reading and dancing around the living room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good story:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She hid behind a piece of furniture this weekend, in her room, to get
out of doing some random chore that she perceived Shelley was about to ask her
to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It nearly worked too, until
Shelley found her, and then Anya told her why she was doing it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to laugh, but that would not have
been the winning choice in that moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I heard her say all this, and I said to myself that her doing that was
so fantastically and amazingly normal….and what else could I have asked for her
to be doing 8 months after Amie’s death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So good, in a normal, normal way.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, the grand reveal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Amie’s birthday is in 13 days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>October 18<sup>th</sup>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
first birthday that she isn’t with us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We have been pondering what we wanted Amie’s
gravestone/tombstone/isthereabetternameforthis for a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted Shelley to take the lead on what it
would look like, because us having a site was her primary desire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we returned from out west, we began to
work in earnest on what it would look like, and it wasn’t clicking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We went in to talk to the representative from
Brewer-Bouchey Monuments, and they mentioned being able to replicate pretty
much anything that existed, as long as we could provide a picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That got Shelley thinking about Amie’s art,
and her name that she loved to write so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So, we played around with it, and after a few trials and errors, we have
this to show all of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We think it’s
about as perfect a marker as we’d ever have hoped to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without further ado…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, for those of you who want to visit it, here are the
directions on how to find it:<o:p></o:p></div>
<ul>
<li><a href="https://www.google.com/maps/place/Lakeview+Cemetery/@42.6130631,-83.9195036,687m/data=!3m2!1e3!4b1!4m2!3m1!1s0x88234745a989f10f:0x8c6db889df7c56e" target="_blank">Use Google Maps to find Lakeview Cemetery. </a></li>
<li>In the cemetery, go here, to Babyland:</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6NYMoXZkpNw/VhMPPqWCvsI/AAAAAAAAMoc/-JBsLYtmIB8/s1600/babyland.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="266" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-6NYMoXZkpNw/VhMPPqWCvsI/AAAAAAAAMoc/-JBsLYtmIB8/s400/babyland.png" width="400" /></a></div>
<ul>
<li>In the westernmost area of Babyland are the new sites. Amie’s gravestone
is site 294.</li>
</ul>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xAcRx-fc5io/VhMPn6n6rXI/AAAAAAAAMos/LSwOAHjBsqw/s1600/IMG_1549.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xAcRx-fc5io/VhMPn6n6rXI/AAAAAAAAMos/LSwOAHjBsqw/s400/IMG_1549.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
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The only thing we ask is this. Bring a rock that you think
is cool.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Jewish families, bringing a
rock to a grave marker is tradition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
just did a ton of reading on it, and there’s no definitive reason as to
why.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lots of explanations, but none of
them are canon.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I liked the idea of the permanence
of stone, and the idea that the memory of a person, like a rock, will persist
long past their passing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That made me
exceedingly happy, and tied into our adventures out west this summer.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you visit Amie’s
grave, bring a rock that you find cool, that you find beautiful, that you find….anything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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It’s the most beautiful place in Howell, and I think that’s
fitting for the girl that I find the most beautiful that the city has ever
seen.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Night all.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time to
head home and get ready to teach my socks off tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-38975700484242890432015-08-22T14:27:00.001-07:002015-08-22T14:35:07.126-07:00Who'd have known how much I like hanging with Germans?<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Hope the summer has been treating you all well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I write this freshly showered, newly shaved,
garbed in clean/dry clothes and supremely happy to have slept a night in our
glorious bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love camping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I really do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love getting into places that you can’t see and don’t find unless you
get off the beaten path, and explore.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We have a place on the west side of the state (I sound like
a bazillionaire saying that, like we own the place) that has no showers, no
power, is slightly difficult to get to, has no cell coverage to speak of…and we
love it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We love it because we’re past
the point where we want to hear anyone doing anything of any sort after 9pm,
and this place is perfect for that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, I am a restless soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Extremely restless once we start getting
closer to school starting, and ripping me away from all the things that are my
scaffolding to help contain my restlessness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I say all of this to bookend the experience of going camping with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Craving the connection to nature that listening
to the waves rhythmically crash into the Lake Michigan shoreline, while also
skittering around the campsite for something to do, stripped of
computer/laptop/phone/PS4/games in general.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Ahhh, it must be so wonderful to be around me in late August…<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shelley sent me a few blogs that she was reading about grief
the other week, and she said something I found really insightful and helpful to
me personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ya see, I feel guilty
writing the blog these days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really and
truly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel guilty that I’m spilling
out all these words about grief and us….when we’re doing fine, in all
regards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, we have sad days all the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, like my stamina in running,
it’s consistently getting better and better with time, and use. (Yay!)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, feeling guilty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Yes, each time I write, it’s with the cloak of “who am I to sit around
writing about grief when so many people have it worse, have it deeper, have it
fresher, have it….”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I combat that with
the idea that if people don’t want to click through to the blog, they won’t,
and it’s not my job to police what people care about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But here’s what Shel said, based on some
blogs she’d been reading:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>People don’t read about grief, and click through to the blog
just to see how we’re doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They do it
to read about you making it through it, so that they can reassure themselves
that they could get through it too, if they found themselves in a similar
situation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></b><br />
<i><br /></i>
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><i>(Disclaimer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She could have said something far more
profound, or altogether different…but this is how it came out of the tumble dry
cycle of my mind, and was spit back out after a week or so).<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I really enjoyed that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Really and truly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over and over,
across the last 3 years, people have emailed me and told me how specific things
I’ve said have helped them, and that matters a lot to me, because it gives
purpose to writing, to continuing to pour out the contents of my head to this
blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That maybe when a person writes to
tell me that I’m “strong”, what they’re really saying is that I hope I can hold
up under all the stress and pressure of a future event.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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The idea that I’m in some small way giving you the building
blocks of a future ability to keep yourself together in the face of immense
tragedy…that’s the stuff of gold, and gives me the permission to keep writing
for as long as I want…which I frequently need.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Camping…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>there’s
another golden story that I need to tell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We were immensely fortunate (yet again!) to have amazing neighbors, once
again with little girls.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first day
we got there, a SUV pulled in, and out jumped two little girls, who seemed to
bookend Anya’s age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their names were
Meeri and Janna, and they were Germans, 7 and 9.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They quickly disembarked, set up camp, and
disappeared for the beach while we were making dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We didn’t get a chance to say hello until the
next morning.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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But the opportunity arose to say hello, I got a chance to
pull out my German language from 1991, and Meeri’s eyes lit up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They were fast friends from that point
on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We went to the beach together, sat
for hours chatting with their parents, and even went on a massive 9km hike
together the next day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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The girls loved talking/playing with each other, but I got
just as much enjoyment talking to their parents as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had so many good discussions, but the one
most pertinent, and I think most revelatory for Americans was this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a German, you have to be careful not to
get too many friends.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Now, to elaborate. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had asked Carsten (Dad) what was the biggest change for
him when he took the job transfer from Germany to America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He started talking about the friendliness of
Americans at first, and how Americans are so much friendlier, externally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His wife used the example of being in DC vs.
being in Berlin.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said that if she
had a map open in DC, if she was staring for more than a minute or so, looking
lost, an American would most assuredly walk up to her and ask her if she needed
help finding something.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She said this
wasn’t just conjecture, but it had happened multiple times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In Berlin, she stated, she would have to be
laying on the ground crying before a German would walk up and ask for
help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They said that it wasn’t a matter
(for them, in their opinion) of kindness or rudeness, but privacy. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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But then they flipped the whole thing on its head, and this
is what blew me away…friendship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
talked about how easy it was for Americans to call a person friend, and how
un-German that was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each of them talked
about how powerful that word was for a German, in that a German takes the
responsibilities of friendship extremely seriously.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Carsten talked extensively about how when you
find out that your friend has a problem, you do everything in your power to
help them solve that problem …often spending hours and hours of your own time
talking with them, strategizing with them, discussing pro/cons of the
possibilities….and how this was normal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Sharing everything, all your problems, with your friends,
all the time…and it’s normal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Wow.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The depth and trust and kindness and self-sacrifice that he
was describing….I wonder how many people that I can say that I trusted that
deeply, or have trusted me that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
not sure what the answer is to that, it just got me to thinking how much richer
an experience that might be where I’m not trying to maintain so many levels of
friendships, but making only a handful much, much deeper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot
lately.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
A few pictures of us, of late, to fill this out….<o:p></o:p></div>
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Shelley saw this quote twice within 24 hours. I think there's some severe wisdom located within.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nakAui0XWOA/Vdjnuq89jtI/AAAAAAAAMlY/bXDpFlK5B4I/s1600/IMG_1067.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nakAui0XWOA/Vdjnuq89jtI/AAAAAAAAMlY/bXDpFlK5B4I/s640/IMG_1067.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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The little girl is disappearing, and a new one is emerging. Like a chrysalis before our very eyes, this summer has been the place where the girl has decreased, and the mini-tiny-soontobeyoungadult is emerging. <b>Wow. </b></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GDSR0iCuHdY/VdjnvnY21cI/AAAAAAAAMlg/cCJ68rfqeuQ/s1600/IMG_1082.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-GDSR0iCuHdY/VdjnvnY21cI/AAAAAAAAMlg/cCJ68rfqeuQ/s640/IMG_1082.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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I liked this for a capstone picture for several reasons:</div>
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<ol>
<li style="text-align: left;">Anya climbed on top of this for the first time that I've ever seen her.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">She didn't even blink climbing and standing on it. No fear, unlike all previous attempts.</li>
<li style="text-align: left;">Her attitude and stature are exactly representative of just how many moments she spends mourning all the things she's lost, all the curves that she's been thrown, and all the crap she's had to put up with. If I could only be like her, in that regard. </li>
</ol>
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I'm hoping the next post I do I'll be able to show you the gravestone, and give you concrete directions on how to get there...for those of you who've asked.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Have a great week, y'all.</span></b></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-30089424957983114562015-08-08T16:56:00.000-07:002015-08-08T17:21:29.170-07:00Done now. Posting.<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Firstly, I feel the need to apologize for the time since the last post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know I don’t, but
well, I shall nonetheless.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Between the
trip, getting back, getting things back together, getting Anya off to Special
Days Camp, and then having time together with Shelley, alone, for the first
time since Amie died…well…it’s been a heck of a summer, thus far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, yes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>A blog post.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s do this. It’s
always hard to get started, to build the momentum to do a post when you haven’t
written in a while.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More about momentum
later…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The trip seems to be the thing most pertinent
thing to talk about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was fantastic,
in so many ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The most obvious was
the time spent together; doing all the normal trip things that could be done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We truly enjoy spending time with each other,
Anya loves to read for long periods of time (while driving between incredibly
long distances to National Parks), and I don’t mind driving those incredibly
long distances either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">It was also really great to see friends that
we haven’t seen in so many years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Watching them discover Anya, see that a truly great kid she is….so
amazing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, in 2 of the 4 places we
stayed, they had girls Anya’s age…so watching Anya get to have surrogate
sisters was another true pleasure of the trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>First Amelia and Silvie, and then Dasha and Ksenia, Anya loved spending
time with both sets, and talked about them a ton once we’d left.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Also, the National Parks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Man o man do the mountains call to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But you know who else loved them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My little mountain goat, Anya.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2 weeks before we left on the trip, we walked
to the farmers market, and she had a hard, hard time with the 3-mile round trip
walk (all flat).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By the end of the trip,
she was cruising through 5-mile hikes with a 600 ft elevation change both ways.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Highlights of the National Parks:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l1 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Zion and Bryce Canyon were the
hands down winners for places that made us want to return, and hike hike hike
more more more.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Just knowing that Zion
NP is just a quick 2.5 hour drive from Vegas makes us want to plan a trip next
spring break, and explore it for a week during a less hectic time.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Great Basin National Park:</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">It was disastrous for us at the very start,
with rain and accidentally setting up camp in someone’s occupied camp site, but
by the end of the next day, as we’d hiked up to a grove of 3000 year old
bristlecone pine trees, and then past to a snowy glacier, with a 6 mile hike
starting at 10,000 feet….so, so damned cool.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">…and to see Anya doing it with a skip in her step and nary a
complaint?</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">It made my heart sing.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Caves!</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">We went to Oregon Caves NM and the Lehmann
caves in Great Basin, and both were insanely cool.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ll never be a geologist (Jeff, Chris) and
want to study them, but I still find it fascinating to see things that grow at
1-inch every 1000 years….and see them 10 feet tall.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">A must see if you are anywhere in the area of
any of these places.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Lowlights of the National Parks:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; text-indent: -.25in;">
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Yosemite:</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">We had originally been planning on going to
the Grand Tetons as we left Oakland and headed to Denver, but I got the idea in
my head to divert to Yosemite instead, as it was directly in the path of us
heading out of Oakland.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">TERRIBLE
IDEA.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Here’s what I didn’t know, and my
friend Art tried to tell me but I couldn’t hear…Yosemite in July is roughly
akin to Cedar Point in July….insanely packed, and full of people you don’t want
to be packed around for any amount of time.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Gorgeous vistas, but traffic jams as bad as US-23 on a Friday night
heading north.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Amazing hikes, but the
pathways as crowded as the Ann Arbor Street Fair.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">MISERABLE.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit;">Grand Canyon:</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Still gorgeous…</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">but compared the accessibility of Bryce and
Zion….</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">So underwhelming.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">I guess we could have plunged down beneath
the rim, and tested ourselves, but we weren’t ready for that in week 1 of our
trip, and it was….</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Crowded and ugh.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But the trip was 95% amazing, and so many
stories I could type and tell, but that’s kinda boring for 99% of you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I’d feel remiss if I didn’t take a
second to thank everyone who was über generous to us during the last few
years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was your generosity that
enabled us to take this trip, to do it right, and to have this time of healing
for us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">To talk about Amie for a bit, because heck,
that’s why many of you come here, we’re quickly coming up to the 6-month
anniversary of her death (next Thursday).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We designed her headstone, and ordered it this week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It will be delivered in mid-September, and I
think all of y’all will really like what we did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s going to make me cry like a baby the
first time I see it, I’m sure… but that’s part of the process, right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I talked a lot after Amie died about the
slideshow in my head, and how the negative images were dominating the space for
so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think that’s really starting
to abate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I’ve had this image in my head for a long
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have all these jars on this
shelf, some are these short old-school glass jars with rubber stoppered lids
and metal latches, and others are taller, thinner, and open topped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see this as the shelf in my head, holding
all the parts of me, past and current, good and bad, light and dark.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I had this mental image, after Amie died, of
this one jar, pure black and dense.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So
dense that it was this tiny jar, but it was causing the entire shelf to bow,
possibly causing it to break in the middle of the night, spilling all of the rest
of everything all over the place, and shattering the glass, creating havoc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But as I think on this now, that shelf isn’t
bowing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The jar is still there…and at
the bottom it’s still black as ink….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But
the top of that jar has been transformed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s bubbling, it’s leaking out, and it’s no longer black.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s a swirling mixture of reds and greens
and oranges and yellows and blues and pinks ( but not green, I don’t like green
<or sez the Amie>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I was
an artist, as I’d love a drawing of what I just described.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> :)</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One last thing, before I call this good, and
do another post next week, running.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Shelley commented to me about 10 days ago how she was really getting
inspired by people in her life posting these Couch to 5k updates, and how she
had really hated running all her life, but maybe she could give it a try.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told her I’d love to do it with her, as a
means to do something healthy together, to help her be more fit, to help myself
be fit at all, and well…to give myself a challenge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I ran A LOT in hs, but nearly nothing since.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">We’re been running for a bit now, and both of
us are really surprising ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
made concerted efforts to live far more healthily since the beginning of the
trip, as things really got put aside (for good reasons) while Amie was really
ill, and afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">For me, I’m really inspired by the people in
my life who’ve really transformed themselves in the pursuit of fitness, mainly thinking
of Sarah and Jillian.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hoping we can keep
this up, and stay on this path of wellness that we’ve been cultivating for a
few weeks now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, Jillian just had a
baby today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YAY JILLIAN! WOO!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>One last thing:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I got a great FB
message today from a sister of a former student, talking about lots of stuff,
but mostly (to me) about reaching out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She complimented me about my reaching out and saying something kind to
her Mom, in regards to a rough situation she was struggling with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I responded with this:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">“<span style="background: white; color: #141823; font-size: 10pt;">I think that other people also just don't know
what to say, and how to say it...so they just stay quiet for fear of making
anything worse. I think, through our experiences these past few years, we know
it's better to risk the awkwardness than leave the other person to their
isolation.</span><span style="font-size: 10pt;">”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">So, that’s
my request for anyone bothering to read this WALL OF TEXT (hi, joe!). If you know someone who is struggling through
something that is rough, that is painful, that is harder than you know what to
do with… don’t stay silent, reach out and say hello. You’re not going to make it worse. You’re going to remind them that they’re
thought of.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Done
now. Posting.</span><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 10pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wdJbXEz3gXM/VcaVjf-mY0I/AAAAAAAAMkA/VM1FjaMc0Ec/s1600/IMG_0649.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wdJbXEz3gXM/VcaVjf-mY0I/AAAAAAAAMkA/VM1FjaMc0Ec/s640/IMG_0649.jpg" width="492" /></a></div>
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Ok, had to include at least one picture. </div>
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Here's us, picking Anya up from camp. </div>
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What a tall, lovely, confident, and awesome little girl we have.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-77956079856028380632015-06-22T15:30:00.000-07:002015-06-22T16:05:20.078-07:00Father's Day+1<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
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I did my last post on Memorial Day, so it seems like
Father’s Day is an appropriate enough time to do this post. You’ll note that
this post is not up on Father’s Day, but the day afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-i2khOcseNog/VYiKIxVFZjI/AAAAAAAAMig/iKAKDPIs1M0/s1600/IMG_9782.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-i2khOcseNog/VYiKIxVFZjI/AAAAAAAAMig/iKAKDPIs1M0/s400/IMG_9782.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
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….we buried Amie’s remains today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We had some speedbumps on the way towards getting
Amie ready for internment, but the time was here, and we wanted to get it all
wrapped up before we headed out on our roadtrip (more on that later).<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HQ-kekHI-r8/VYiKICmqxTI/AAAAAAAAMiE/4auYvmrpOVA/s1600/IMG_9777.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-HQ-kekHI-r8/VYiKICmqxTI/AAAAAAAAMiE/4auYvmrpOVA/s640/IMG_9777.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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This little guy is Shelley's gravemarker for Amie until the real one arrives later on in the summer. Isn't she awesome?</div>
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The burial (internment is the proper word, but sounds too formal)
went well, as it was just her ashes in this fantastic urn Shelley chose.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--I70Mt0Cyhs/VYiKE77GidI/AAAAAAAAMhw/AL8Uw447IBE/s1600/IMG_9770.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/--I70Mt0Cyhs/VYiKE77GidI/AAAAAAAAMhw/AL8Uw447IBE/s400/IMG_9770.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Shel and Anya read her favorite book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Flip-And-Flop-Dawn-Apperley/dp/0439288924" target="_blank">Flip and Flop</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LmztfikAinM/VYiKHqyfMOI/AAAAAAAAMiM/eKsWzHpliTQ/s1600/IMG_9774.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-LmztfikAinM/VYiKHqyfMOI/AAAAAAAAMiM/eKsWzHpliTQ/s400/IMG_9774.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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We’d each read that book to Amie dozens of
times, possibly several hundred times in Shelley’s case.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Additionally, Shelley made a tiny little
grave marker for her as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Afterwards, we went to the <a href="http://brewerbouchey.com/" target="_blank">monument office</a> to formalize the design for Amie’s
gravestone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley had been doing
research, as she does, for a while, and had decided on the rough design that
she wanted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I followed that up with a
few artistic design flourishes myself, and we settled on a design today and
it’s on the way to the CAD designer for final proofs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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As an aside, it’s pretty darn cool how the whole process
works.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can incorporate pretty much
anything into the design, because it’s all sandblasted into the face of the
marble based on the design that’s programmed in. Of course, anything can
change, so we won’t spoil anything until we know for sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think y’all will like it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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We gave you a look back when we purchased the site, but this
is how it looks in the summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Lake View
Cemetery in Howell is gorgeous, and probably the prettiest place in Howell…as
strange as that is.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Those two pictures are the various views you have as you
stand at her grave. Nice, eh?</div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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So.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Her remains are
buried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not sure why that was so
important to me before we left on our trip…but it seemed like it was just
unfinished business.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Native American
influence on me says that her spirit needed to be laid to rest,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and that her lack of a “space” to find that
rest was necessary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t think that’s
necessarily how I feel, but I did feel pulled to make the final arrangements
for her before we started west.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
settles me, in some deep way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Afterwards, we went to see “Inside Out”, the newest movie
from Pixar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I love Pixar, as it is
nearly always the opposite of what I consider the insane over-commercialization
of the movie landscape*.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They do not
release movies before they are ready*, and the directors dedicate years of
their lives to get them there.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They
focus on story, and character development, and almost always* have profound
emotional journeys for the audiences who watch their films <the introduction
to “Up!” where they tell the love story of the couple is by far the most
powerful love story I’ve ever seen on film…and there are no words in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PD7qi8VK_o&feature=youtu.be" target="_blank">Go watch it now</a>. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll wait,><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anyway, the movie today.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I haven’t cried so much in a movie…forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without a doubt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Firstly, it was a great movie, as I
expected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I can’t really say that
without bias.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Here are my biases:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<ul>
<li>The main character was ripped out of her comfortable world,
where she had everything she ever wanted, by forces that she could not
control. She faced unprecedented
obstacles and challenges, and weathered them as best she could, and most of the
time with a smile and a shrug. This is
Anya most days.</li>
<li>The movie has a huge focus on “core memories”, where there
are these glass balls that represent memories, and the importance of them are
paramount. They fuel the centers of
Riley’s personality. When some of them
get messed with (Sadness, don’t touch them!), they have profound changes to her
personality. Once again, I thought about
Anya, and what this whole thing has done to her core personality. Who might she have been had all of this not
happened, and who is she going to be now as a result.</li>
<li>They also spent a TON of time showing these memories in
glass balls, and how some of the memories fade, get ejected and fade away when
not accessed…and I know that’s the future with a lot of my memories of Amie,
the ones that are left that is. The
nature of memory is pretty awful already (<a href="http://www.radiolab.org/story/91569-memory-and-forgetting/#" target="_blank">thank you Radiolab for confirming that</a> ), in that every time to “remember” something, you’re subtly changing that
memory and shaping it to the new reality that you have.</li>
</ul>
I say that because the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/ashley.celano/videos/vb.30309846/10102347482323704/?type=2&theater&notif_t=like_tagged" target="_blank">Teen Mom OG special aired thisweek</a>, and a quick 1-minute-ish video
aired of the fundraiser events from last July.
It was very nice to see that, and the events of that day, as many of
them had faded in the punishment of the past year. Seeing Amie tell her favorite knock-knock
joke was great, but the thing that blew me away was the .5 second clip of her utter
and complete joy when I grabbed her and threw her on my shoulders crushed
me. I’d forgotten, on some level, just
how much she enjoyed being on my shoulders.
Seeing the movie, and the memories that were fading, kept hitting me
over and over.<br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Also, were the constant positive memories they kept showing,
in these little globes, from Riley’s childhood, juxtaposed with her life now,
and how she was dealing with it. Those images, of the past as it was lived in
contrast to the memories that Amie will never get a chance to live…more tears.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<MOVIE SPOILER ALERT!!><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But at the end of the movie, and the conclusion of the
character’s growth that is central to a good story, and thus a Pixar movie*, is
the idea that sadness and joy need to live together, need to find room to live
and breathe and be allowed to exist in the same space, or else something is
broken, and something is wrong.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s
the goal that I’m trying to find for this summer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to embrace the sadness as well as the
joy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am supremely good at shutting off
my brain, compartmentalizing my feelings, and getting the job done.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s what I did for the last 3 months of
the school year.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But is that healthy?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Does that help me, or my family, in the long run?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I need to find a place where I can let it all live in my heart and my head
and my soul, and not be bludgeoned by it when watching a commercial for
MasterCard (Just one more day, is that so wrong?!?)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s my goal, and I’m going to be working
on it for the next few weeks as we head west.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Speaking of heading west, we’re going to take many of the
donations that people gave us to “give Anya a lot of great experiences this
summer”, and head out on a roadtrip across America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re going to see friends, camp in National
Parks, see the kitschiest parts of America, and come home in time for Anya to
get to Special Days camp in August.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you have kitschy America recommendations for us, let us know via email, or
comments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seriously.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’d be a total jerk if I didn’t say goodbye today to Connor
before I signed off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qvfRXTs4T9o/VYiKApziHGI/AAAAAAAAMgs/Bnzmyv76RZE/s1600/Connor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qvfRXTs4T9o/VYiKApziHGI/AAAAAAAAMgs/Bnzmyv76RZE/s400/Connor.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Connor was a kid
who had the same diagnosis as Amie, as random as that is, and in the end met
the same fate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He leaves behind a string
of family grieving like us, and wondering why the hell that childhood cancer
exists.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His funeral was today, in New Jersey.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
He fought a good fight, he was an insanely good kid/brother,
and never, ever deserved the curse that was laid upon him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rest peacefully Connor, you got a rough deal.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With that, I bid y’all adieu, and hope to post again in
about a month when we’re in Portland visiting the Kowalewski clan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
*<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Cars 2 sucks..<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s ill planned, ill written, and is Disney
at it’s worst:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Movies as a way to push
toys and consumerism.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, this is
just IMHO.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-85001548246494170052015-05-24T16:15:00.001-07:002015-05-24T16:45:45.000-07:00Memorial Day...<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I thought it might be appropriate, being Memorial Day
weekend and all, to do a Memorial Day post in honor of Amie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She might not have been in an officially
declared war…but I think we can all agree that her battle with cancer qualifies
her for the honorifics I might toss her way.<o:p></o:p></div>
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To start, we now have Amie’s remains with us at our
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anya has been busy today arranging the area where we’re going to keep Amie’s remains until we inter her remains at Lakeside Cemetery sometime next month, after school lets out.</div>
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Shelley had created these paper doll-like creations a few
years ago for the girls to color and create with, and Anya’s been busy
modifying them today to be her and Amie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s amazing how creative she can be, and how she so often sees beyond
the limitations of what things are, to see what they can be, given time and
energy and creativity. <o:p></o:p></div>
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We made a joke to someone a while back that Anya is Luna
Lovegood, the character from Harry Potter who is…..a work of creativity and
truly her own person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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Each year I know
Anya, I know her to be more like Luna, and more passionately her own kid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can think of nothing better for her to
thrive through this.<o:p></o:p></div>
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As you might imagine there are a lot of things we’ve ignored
over the last few years, and lots of “obligations” that have piled up,
literally and metaphorically, over that time period.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of them is paperwork.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley is a saver, and a keeper, and wants
to keep paper of all kinds in case we need it later.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I often see her point, but at other times
disagree….not that she throws any of it away if I disagree, she just notes my
disagreement and files it away anyway.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anyway, today she came across a file with all the pictures
from our wedding, and how we found pictures from each year of our birth to act
as table number markers on the tables at the reception (which was 50 yards away
from the ceremony in her parent’s back yard!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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So, this picture was in that pile, and was either the year 3
or year 4 placeholder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I look at this
picture, and I see Amie so much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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When I asked my sister if she could see Amie in this
picture, she said today, “Yes! It's the smirky smile. The cheeks, the look in
your eye. I always said that she has your spunk.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our birthdays were one day apart, and I could
always see a lot of my stubborn nature, my obstinacy, and my spirit in
her…while I see so much of Shelley in Anya.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
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I talked about Ele's Place a little bit last post, and here's the picture I took as we released balloons at the end of the 2nd to last session. We tied messages to each of them, and let them fly. This was easy for me (as I mentioned last post), as I had written a letter to Amie just days beforehand.</div>
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<o:p>Just like Anya, Shelley is an amazing artist, and drew a little Amie on the envelope that held the letter I wrote to Amie. (of course, I smeared the ink...) This letter, with the hearts I taped to it, are inside the urn, with the rest of the materials we made for her. </o:p></div>
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This picture is from yesterday, and is of Anya and Allyssa at my favorite place at MSU, the waterfall area behind Wells Hall and the MSU Administration bldg. Allyssa was interested in checking out MSU, as she's nearing the end of her Junior year, and is starting to open up other options for college other than Ann Arbor. I walked her through campus (and walked, and walked, and walked), and talked about what I loved and what I did not love about life in East Lansing during my 5 years there.</div>
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This picture was a great representation of what I hope other people do for Anya...they become asurrogate Amie. They, for however many minutes as they can, step into the gap that was vacated by Amie when she died, and give Anya a best friend. I know, in time, she'll have plenty of those...but right now...I think she's a lonely little girl, surrounded by lonely adults doing their best to provide her with all that she needs, and probably failing a little bit. Thank you, Allyssa, for being that proxy, for however minutes you could.</div>
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I sit here, having typed and thought for the last hour or
so, and realize that I’ve written a ton about Anya, some about Shelley…and
almost nothing about Amie.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wonder if
that’s the best way, maybe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re going
to be thinking about her for the rest of our lives, but her story has ended.
She’s alive in us, but not alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s
a part of us, but apart from us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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…and what does that say about us, other than the fact that
our way to remember her, our way to make sure she lives on in our lives is to
live.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To talk. To meet. To experience.
To……everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Most days, when I allow myself to think about it, I feel
this gaping, sorrowful absence where she was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I can see the seductiveness of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>To mourn, and not allow myself to move beyond this.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But I must, and we must, and you must….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Amie was never a kid who had much patience,
and wanted things to go, go, go.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
would want us to experience everything there was to experience, and not wallow
in our miseries.<o:p></o:p></div>
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So, on this Memorial Day weekend, in which we’re called to
remember those who have passed before us, and remember those who have given
their lives for us to have the freedoms we have, I shall strive to get off my
butt and do something that would have made her smile, whatever it is that I can
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Ride a bike, take a walk, go buy a loaf of cinnamon chip
bread from Great Harvest and eat it by ripping off huge chunks with Anya and
eating it with your hands…whatever I can to take huge breaths of life, and
remind myself that there’s a lot more in front of me than there is behind
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tomorrow, that’s the challenge, and
I shall do my best to meet it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">Anyone want to join me?</span></b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-22441915541185110762015-05-17T13:08:00.002-07:002015-05-17T15:03:24.111-07:00how much I miss her, and other musings...<div class="MsoNormal">
Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After Amie died, I said to myself that I wasn’t going to
push myself to write, excepting whenever it was that I felt called to
write.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This last 6 weeks has been really
busy (more on that later), and also grindingly hard at times (more on that
later).<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, it’s been 6 weeks since I’ve written, and that’s
alright.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>‘cuz I say it is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Cambria; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Cambria; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, ya know what’s cool….there has been a consistent
200-ish page hits each day, as I know that there’s still a ton of people out
there wishing us well, thinking about us, sending prayers towards us, and all
other types of well-wishing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
appreciate it, really.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What to talk about, what to talk about….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s start with Anya.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anya is really doing well, at least we think she is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s where most of our focus is going right
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’ve been going to <a href="http://www.elesplace.org/" target="_blank">Ele’s Place</a> for 5 weeks
now, and it’s been amazing for her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She
loves going there, gets to talk about Amie and have fun, and we go to the adult
group.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anya’s also exploded into reading.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure I’ve mentioned it before, but prior
to January she was a reluctant reader, and now she’s literally reading too
much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What’s that mean?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She avoids all her normal housework to read.
She reads under her blankets after bed with a flashlight, and doesn’t want to
do anything else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She reads (on average)
a book a day, or more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s torn
through the Magic Tree House series, the Junie B. Jones series, and the Nancy
Drew and the Clue Crew books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s on
fire.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FIRE. FLAMES.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ok, maybe too much for that one…<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no one needs to be thinking about burning
books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if they were on fire, Anya
would still be reading them…just carefully.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Pretty much everything about Anya is going well right
now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She has swimming lessons on Monday
nights (she fell behind when Amie got ill, and we didn’t follow up), Ele’s
Place on Wednesday nights, and Art lessons on Thursdays.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s active, loving things, and hasn’t
really shown a lot of acting out, other than what we perceive to be normal
stuff for a soon to be 8 year old.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Shelley has taken all her stress and restlessness and
applied it to our home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All the honey-do
projects that most guys might get for vacations?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah, she does all of those.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ya know the stories about husbands who
purposely sandbag chores so that they can get out of doing them in the
future?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yeah. I do my absolute best at
things, and they’re still not up to the skill level that Shelley has on things.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s never unkind about it, she just knows
that she can do the things that she does much better than I, and she wants them
done right.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So she does them
herself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s been working on
re-painting trims, removing and replacing fixtures and hardware, and
re-painting the bathroom thus far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m
sure there’s plenty to be done in the months ahead.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Work, for the
most part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My normal escape towards
video games has been quite absent, as has my escape towards other geekery like
Magic: The Gathering and Dungeons and Dragons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve largely been forced to live in the real world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Utterly unacceptable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But to be real, it got me to thinking about the idea of
identity the other day, in the sense of how we see ourselves, and how the world
sees us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Underneath the surface, for me,
is this seething mass of sorrow, discomfort, impatience, and aching loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to tell everyone I meet about Amie,
and tell them how much I miss her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More
than that, I miss all the things that she’s not going to do, the places she’s
not going to go, the experiences she’s not going to have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I miss the hole that she has left, and know
that it’s not going to be filled, just hopefully become smaller as time moves
along.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I think about all the pain that sits beneath the exterior of
people, and how it does with me as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I know that I have always judged people at times, and know that I will
in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I see kids with their
heads down in my class, and at times take it personally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some times the lack of interest is from poor
decisions they have made, and sometimes it’s from utter desire to succeed in
school overall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But how often in the
past has their apparent disinterest been from the profound things that have
been hammering into them on a daily basis, and what could I have done to help
them with that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think about that stuff
a lot these days.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Since I’m on a roll talking about things that make people
uncomfortable, let’s continue!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
recently took 140 8<sup>th</sup> Graders to Washington DC.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am insane.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But really, I love taking the trip, for what
it does to the kids who “get it”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve
been reading the papers they wrote this afternoon, up until I ditched them to
write this blog post, and I keep getting blown away by the profound reflections
that kids are writing in response to the trip.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>So amazing, and so profound to see these young writers starting to
discover the power of service to others, of self-sacrifice to the greater good,
and how empowering it is to have passion to remake the world into a better
place for others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But…that’s not what I meant to write (it snuck out!).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I meant to write about Grief Bombs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s my name for what happens when you’re
walking around in a normal conversation and you suddenly find yourself knee
deep in a conversation where you’re smashing back tears like Captain America
with his shield.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My most recent event
with this was at the Hard Rock Café in DC, where a couple of teachers who went
with me to DC were talking about vomiting, and how the girls’ bus to DC (yes,
we separated them this year) had several pukers, and how we hadn’t had any the
previous year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The conversation devolved
into talking more about puke, and those who cared, and those who didn’t, and I
realized that I was totally and utterly missing Amie’s days of puke, because
although she was puking on me as I held her, she was alive and with me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even typing this, wow.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Too much, too raw, so overwhelming.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other thing that was powerful this last few weeks was
settling on what to put in Amie’s urn.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Firstly, for those who didn’t know, we didn’t bury her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We cremated her, and then we’re going to bury
her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We like to do things our own way,
and this made sense to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(like I have
to justify anything…)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, the urn we
picked was an adult sized urn, and there was a lot of extra room in it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They asked us if there was anything we wanted
to put in it, and of course, we each chose things to make that happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley knit a heart (I don’t have a pic, but
wish I did), and each of us wrote letters to say goodbye to her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m not sure that there’s been anything harder for me to
write. Ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was leaning over the
table writing, and I was wearing my glasses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I was crying so hard that I had puddles inside of the lenses of my
glasses, and had to keep dumping it out to finish the letter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
guess the things that matter most, the things that most need to be said are the
things that squeeze the guts out of us the most, and make us the most
vulnerable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We fear those things the
most, but those are the things we need to do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Always.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s the heart of what it
means to be real, to be human, and to be connected to each other.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Ok.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Enough really
deep stuff for now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could go on forever
with the stuff bouncing around my head right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll cease here, and publish this
behemoth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-crDo3hRKBec/VVjzWgkdnJI/AAAAAAAAMas/B1fPc_jeuEI/s1600/IMG_9627.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-crDo3hRKBec/VVjzWgkdnJI/AAAAAAAAMas/B1fPc_jeuEI/s640/IMG_9627.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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I love comic books and video games.</div>
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I asked them both to pose for me. </div>
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Charlie and Anya are epic Superheroes.</div>
<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OT2hzd_LdAk/VVjzWfkpssI/AAAAAAAAMak/XGKL89tpH8s/s1600/IMG_9641.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="302" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-OT2hzd_LdAk/VVjzWfkpssI/AAAAAAAAMak/XGKL89tpH8s/s400/IMG_9641.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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This is Jennifer. </div>
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She's the former student who organized several fundraisers for us, and is overall just plain amazing.</div>
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She came up for dinner last week, and hung out afterwards to talk and play with Anya.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmmPC88-5kw/VVjzRhenq2I/AAAAAAAAMaU/sCotSvtpDEI/s1600/IMG_9643.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nmmPC88-5kw/VVjzRhenq2I/AAAAAAAAMaU/sCotSvtpDEI/s640/IMG_9643.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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This is Anya's version of the Kitty on the yarn ball.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ydlCLklu6qA/VVjzRn45woI/AAAAAAAAMaQ/Abtbh4kwAYQ/s1600/IMG_9642.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ydlCLklu6qA/VVjzRn45woI/AAAAAAAAMaQ/Abtbh4kwAYQ/s640/IMG_9642.jpg" width="480" /></a></div>
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This is Jen's version. Jen has 14 years on Anya. I'm still giving the decision to Anya. ;)</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rMmR6_-yq9U/VVjzWZ7oq6I/AAAAAAAAMag/BOakP_d_Olo/s1600/IMG_9638.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="310" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rMmR6_-yq9U/VVjzWZ7oq6I/AAAAAAAAMag/BOakP_d_Olo/s400/IMG_9638.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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The big explosion of goodness for the evening came when Jen gave Shelley this bracelet. </div>
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She had taken Amie's signature from a piece of artwork and had it made into the bracelet. Shelley and I were immediately overwhelmed by how insanely cool this was, and how much we both appreciated it. Jennifer For the Win! </div>
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Hope y’all are doing well, and you’re enjoying the heck out of our spring weather. I know I am.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-8071272271350499102015-04-06T11:52:00.000-07:002015-04-06T15:48:48.721-07:00Escape from radio silence!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Greetings All,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’ve been silent for the past month, not out of
choice, but out of survival mode for the most part.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Going back to work on March 16<sup>th</sup>
was exceedingly good in many, many ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The structure, the kindness and goodwill of so many of my students and
co-workers, as well as just a sense of purpose was very good for me.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But it’s also hard, in so many other ways.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By trade, I’m a storyteller.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I teach through stories.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t understand how people teach History
with worksheets, or with entirely student-driven lessons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But at the base of my craft as a teacher is
forming dynamic relationships with the students in my class based on trust,
based on caring, and then telling stories on top of those relationships to
connect dots between historical events and their lives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s how I’ve always managed to make
history come alive, and make it more than the worksheet-based nightmare that
Shelley lived through in HS. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As you might imagine, there is a massive expenditure of
energy that goes along with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Match
that up with the fact that neither Shelley nor I are sleeping very well yet,
and you get a very tired Jason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Very.
Tired. Add onto that fact that I don’t really know how to teach at ½ energy, or
½ anything… So, with that, I haven’t written.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anya is doing as well as can be expected, and has really
fallen into reading more than we ever would have imagined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s reading an average of a book a day…and
these are decent sized books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d guess
she’s reading 2+ hours a day, on average, right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When we ask her about what’s going on in the
books, with a little prodding as she finds the whole thing tedious as we’re
basically testing her to see if she actually read it after all, she gives us a
basic plot synopsis…so she’s totally reading it.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
She’s lonely, that’s for sure…and we’re doing our best to
fill in those gaps wherever we can.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For
example, yesterday was Easter, and Shelley got me this crazy little orange
monster guy who has a foam eyeball.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If
you squeeze his belly really quickly, the air compresses and the eye shoots
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The monster comes with 4 extra
eyeballs as well.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w1vExKb_6Z8/VSLUaWR361I/AAAAAAAAMXY/DgfwkUAvWb4/s1600/game.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w1vExKb_6Z8/VSLUaWR361I/AAAAAAAAMXY/DgfwkUAvWb4/s1600/game.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Anya spent several hours yesterday making 3 different sized
monsters out of toilet paper, building a backstop, creating prizes, decorating
balloons, and making other accompaniments to this game.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then she asked us to come play.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We did….but what she really wanted was to
have a best friend again who would play it over and over and over with her for
hours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We did our best,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but we do get tired after several
go-throughs, as anyone would…except if you’re 4-7.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GLNcDvfpMk0/VSLT8EU30kI/AAAAAAAAMXI/8xF5Bub3KiA/s1600/IMG_9436.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-GLNcDvfpMk0/VSLT8EU30kI/AAAAAAAAMXI/8xF5Bub3KiA/s1600/IMG_9436.JPG" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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<o:p>Anya and Shelley also spent several hours up at Uncle Chad's place, near Linden. She drove a 4-wheeler, and really enjoyed it, once she got used to it (from reports...)</o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><br /></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We start at Ele’s Place the Wednesday after Spring Break,
and we’re really looking forward to that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We toured their Saline/Ann Arbor location last week, and talked about
the process of healing that they use, and it sounds like it will be great for
us, as well as Anya.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We’re really
looking forward to that.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Shelley is doing as well as can be too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s been volunteering at Anya’s school
nearly every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She helps them out
with whatever they need, from Spelling tests, reading to kids, filing,
sharpening pencils, and a ton more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
helping her fill that silence, and also fill her bucket to be helping out at
CSA.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s also been meditating, doing
yoga at home, and doing a bunch of fix-up projects at home that she’d put off
while Amie was sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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In the end, I can’t really talk about Shelley’s or Anya’s
grief process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For me, however, the
process of grief is so totally, totally strange.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In nearly every conversation that I have, I
feel compelled to somehow bring up Amie, but nearly never do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to talk about her to everyone, all the
time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want everyone to know that she
died…..but I don’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The look on people’s
faces, and the time I then immediately snap to making them feel better about
her having died makes, me feel terrible for bringing it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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So I’ve been spending a lot of my time either not talking to
people, which is fine, or talking about things that I can absolutely not have
any way of bringing her up…..or with the people who I’m close to at work, talking
about her in my normal, natural way and trusting that I won’t make them cry by
doing so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(Thank you, Tracy, Tracy,
Shannon and lunch people!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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There have been a few times when I’ve been overwhelmingly
overcome with emotion, and these are always the times where I’m least expecting
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the most part, though, it’s just
the undercurrent of things right now, and I imagine that it’s going to be that
way for a very, very long time.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
A few things that were exceedingly good, and hard, but good
that I’d like to talk about…<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Firstly, The Howell Carnegie District Library is one of the
libraries that Andrew Carnegie decided to build when he realized that he’d
lived most of his life as a horrible, greedy, robber baron of a corporate
magnate, and decided to give his fortune away near the end of his life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He did this as a salve to his legacy, but he
did a lot of good with it nonetheless. (you might remember this from History
class.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe…)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, Howell got one of those libraries,
and it’s this gorgeous old-school brick building that just does not get made
anymore.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lV4UyZqZx6g/VSLVOMsH4uI/AAAAAAAAMXk/GkY0y4pDCLE/s1600/4536406574_e7e79bc141.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lV4UyZqZx6g/VSLVOMsH4uI/AAAAAAAAMXk/GkY0y4pDCLE/s1600/4536406574_e7e79bc141.jpg" height="261" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
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<div class="MsoNormal">
As I’ve talked about in the past, the girls and Shelley
spent a LOT of time at the library reading books, making friends, going to
library school, and generally just loving the place on a level that words do
not adequately serve.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several employees
of the place have been fantastic supporters of my family and the girls, and we
received a letter from one of them last week.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
In that letter, we found a card and a picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Amie’s oft-favorite books were the Mo Willems
books about Elephant and Piggie, and we would read them over and over
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They dedicated the shelf for
those books to Amie, and it just blew my mind how cool that was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
That was one of those gut punch moments…where
I wasn’t expecting it, and the sheer love and caring that that moment showed to
me…how much they got it, how they understood how much those books and those
memories meant to Amie, and me by proxy.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Even now, typing that out, I’m sitting in Uptown Coffee in
Howell, hoping the people sitting around me aren’t noticing that I’ve got tears
in my eyes, all the while I’m doing my “passionate typing” as Shelley would
call it.<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sp9enwlzjTA/VSLVTIZHEwI/AAAAAAAAMXs/_MxNxU8Sf6E/s1600/IMG_9368.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Sp9enwlzjTA/VSLVTIZHEwI/AAAAAAAAMXs/_MxNxU8Sf6E/s1600/IMG_9368.JPG" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Because silliness is needed to raise the hilarity level, </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
here are Anya and I doing our best Elephant and Piggie impersonations.</div>
<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The other thing that was both good, and hard, but glad to
have been able to do it.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
First, a disclaimer…up until Amie got sick, I was not
particularly good with accepting help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’d been largely raised to take care of myself, and saw others helping
me as me not being able to do it for myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’m a work in progress, and had long since come to peace with that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But once Amie got sick, we had to get used to
people helping out, or else we’d come apart at the seams.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Lots of people helped out who were family, and lots who
weren’t.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the people who helped
out a lot, and in lots of different ways, was the Hammack family.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Shelley had met Jennya years ago, while
Jennya was employed as a stylist at Simplicity Salon in Howell (which recently
closed…) When Jennya left the salon to take care of her growing brood, Shelley
continued to see her professionally for her services out of her home.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As Amie’s treatments intensified, Shelley was never one to
take very good care of herself, and I reached out to Jennya several times to
see if we could get appointments for Shelley at strange times.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was always more than agreeable, and
pretty much said that if Shelley wanted to come over at 2am, she’s set an alarm
and style her with a smile…and refused to take payment.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jennya and Chris also own a catering/meal preparation company,
<a href="https://www.facebook.com/simpledmeals" target="_blank">Simpled</a>, and they frequently delivered meals to our house, never asking for any
payment, and often dropping off a LOT of food (Shelley ate nearly all of
it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She loved it and hinted at my harm
for eating some of the meals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
trust that smiley exterior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She’s
vicious I tell you. Vicious!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They also
picked up Anya from school when we were in radiation treatments at the end of
the school year last year, when I couldn’t get out of work to get her.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
I tell you all this because I had the opportunity to give a
little back last week, and got to help them move into their new house.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was really, really good for me to be able
to give back, and do it in a way that I felt like I could make a difference in
the process.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The icing on the cake for me, however, was getting to play with
her two youngest kids for a while afterwards.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Chris had ordered some food for everyone after we were done working, and
while I waited for it to arrive, I got to play with Ollie and Vaeh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are 3ish and 5ish (if I remember
correctly), and it was great getting down on the ground and playing with kids
that age again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
They rode me around like an elephant (both at the same
time), played silly games in their room, Ollie showed me how to slide down the
stairs on our stomachs, and both of them taught me how to properly leap off the
stairs into their new foyer. (oh to have a fully functional spine again!)<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Playing with them made me feel slightly whole again, if for only
a few moments, and made me realize that there is a hole there that needs to
heal, and is going to take quite a while to do so….but that it will happen, and
it can happen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anyway, this has become a book and a 1/2 ,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>so I’m going to end it here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hope Easter and Spring Break (for my school
peeps) is treating you well, and if not that, then Tigers Opening Day!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<b>Enjoy the warmth!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will.</b><o:p></o:p></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-36079305029584204942015-03-03T16:37:00.002-08:002015-03-03T17:08:18.308-08:00No whammies, no whammies, no whammies……..STOP!<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Warm is good. Warm is really, really good.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I will not belabor that point, nor rub it in. But I will reinforce that it’s way better to be sad and warm and on an adventure than it is to be sad and cold and at home.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I’m not sure exactly how much anyone cares about our vacation, but I will err on the side of “those who don’t care won’t click through, won’t read, will scroll by”, and those who are reading are those who want to know.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ok, now that we’ve got that covered, the trip! Hopefully none of you will mind the flood of pictures we’ve been shooting. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The trip down is a blur, as you might imagine. Normal people might split that up into two days. WHY? Isn’t it better to enter a fugue state where you barely remember your own name as you drive 19.5 hours straight? <br />
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Back in 1991 (Steve…1991?) a friend of mine and I drove down from Michigan State, and we did it in just over 17 hours. We drove so, so fast. We disobeyed every speed limit, held our urine to the point of perilous bursting, and ate a sack of Hot and Now Hamburgers way, way past their due date. This time? We had a 7 year old who had to pee, a 42-year old Dad who had to pee, and a knitting wifey who rarely had to pee. Shelley drove Michigan and Ohio. I drove Kentucky and Tennessee. Shelley drove a chunk of Georgia, and then I finished it up. No long breaks, just fuel, food, pee, GO! As the Beasties might have said (RIP MCA), No Stop Til Clearwater.<br />
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The people here have been exceedingly gracious, and welcoming, and regularly saying how the blog has made it so that they feel like they know us. (Hi Parkwood people!) Across the board, they have welcomed us, offered us kind things, and then left us to our family time.</span></div>
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First morning there, at breakfast, this fella flew in and joined us. Apparently, my mother feeds them. </div>
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Driving to the beach the first day, there was a bird on the roof of someone's car. A bird. A large bird.</div>
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We went down to Clearwater Beach the first day. The water is painfully cold. Anya? Went right in, and spent the next hour collecting shells. </div>
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Giant boots. Why not use it as a photo shoot.</div>
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This is my only bit of bragging. Man, oh man, I love the heat.</div>
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<span class="s1">Random commentary about grief: Tonight, a good friend said this to me, “I don't think there is a better way to deal with grief - just different”, and it got me to thinking about grief.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I am not sad that Amie is dead. Her suffering was terrible, and awful, and heartrending. To wish she was alive would be to insert her back into that maelstrom for my benefit, and I’d rather be hit by a bus multiple times a day than wish that. I miss the hell out of her, out of her laughs and fun and energy and sisterhood, and so many other things. I miss how she gave balance to our teeter-totter, and post-Amie, we have a radically out of balance life (for now).</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But I find that what I am grieving for are the lost dreams, the things I find she will never do.<br />
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I think this is the most insidious part of having a child die while you are alive, you are forced into drowning the dreams that you had, and searching for dry land in the meantime. When you see a random commercial about teenage acne, about family data plans, about Disney… you can’t help but reflect on all the things you WILL NOT be able to do with her, and it’s a gut punch of the worst order.<br />
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I commented a while back about how you can get ready and used to anything you know is coming. There’s this brutal scene in the 1st James Bond movie with Daniel Craig (Casino Royale) in which he is brutally tortured. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">However, the torture doesn’t start for several minutes after the scene starts, and you know it’s coming. Much like Daniel Craig (in my nonexistent experience with torture), I think if you know what is coming, you can get in front of it, get control of it, and master it. (I’m a guy, of course I think of stuff like this).</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But the stuff with Amie is different. You can’t know what is coming on in the next ad, the next bus stop, the next page of the magazine, and that’s the most bewildering aspect of all of this.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">…and here’s where the double whammy (No whammies, no whammies, no whammies……..STOP!) of Amie’s death hits me. I feel guilty for not mourning correctly. I know of the apoplectic grief of some cultures, where they cry for days, where they rend their clothes and rip their hair out. I know about expectations of endless sobbing. But I don’t have any of that. I was sure that she was going to die in the deepest parts of my soul as soon as I saw her decline in April 2014 for her 2nd brain surgery. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Everything since that has been dressing, preparation, and practice for the real thing. So how screwed up is it that I feel bad that I’m not feeling bad? Guilt is a vicious thing. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">But in the end, we’re focusing all our time on trying to get Anya to a place where she can be the best version of herself. She’s pushing out, pushing back, and giving us extreme sass in so many places. That’s to be expected in this situation where her best friend is now gone…and we need to help her find her new normal in every way that we can. <br />
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When we get home, we’re starting to work with Ele’s place. We’re going to be reaching out to many of you for play dates, for sleepovers, for adventures to distract, to comfort, and to rebuild her foundation of who she is, what she likes, and that life is good.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ok, y’all. I feel like I riffed on all of this for long enough.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">For all you consummate carnivores out there. I wrote this entire post at Smokey Bones, in Clearwater, Florida. I hope you enjoy that.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-30270927221839205532015-02-27T13:13:00.000-08:002015-02-27T13:13:40.944-08:00Are you OK?<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Not sure how long this post is going to be as I start it. Normally, I have a list of things/thoughts I’ve sketched out in my head before I start writing, but I only have one, so this might be short.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As I mentioned in the last post, we officially made the decision to go to Florida, so we’ve been busy planning for that the last two days. I had a moment where I was channeling my Dad and checked out the weather channel, and saw that there’s a good storm blowing into the region on Sunday, and that’s when we were going to leave. Not wanting that, we scrapped our Saturday plans and decided to jump on the road tonight (between Midnight and 5am, whenever we wake up. Yes, sleep is that elusive right now).</span></div>
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<span class="s1">A lot of people have asked us how Anya is doing, and we had a great opportunity to really see an answer (not THE answer, just one slice of that answer) today, as Anya had another culminating event. For you newer readers, Anya goes to a charter school (Charyl Stockwell Academy), and one of the things the kids focus on is presentation skills with the knowledge they have acquired. 2-3x a year, the kids will present the end results of their projects to the adults who are able to visit their classroom during the days of the event.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As we went in today, we got to see the full spectrum of capabilities that Anya’s classmates have learned, as there are both 1st and 2nd graders together in the classroom. Some are spectacular writers, some are just beginning. Some can present well, others are really nervous. Anya was really, really doing well. She had researched well, written both her persuasive and informative pieces exceedingly well, and did so with charm and energy. She did all of that within the last 8 weeks, when she was only going to school 1/2 time, and was dealing with Amie’s decline as well. Yeah. She’s handling things well, at least academically.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">This segues into what I wanted to talk about well, actually. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">A few months back, <a href="http://amelie-strzalkowski.blogspot.com/2014/12/best-pie-charts-of-2014.html" target="_blank">I wrote a blog post</a> that I got A LOT of feedback on, and it was nearly all positive, so i wanted to do something else in that vein.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Please stop asking people who have gone through something harsh/traumatic “ Hey, are you doing ok?” <disclaimer, this is not pointed towards anyone specific. It’s quite universal.></span></div>
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<span class="s1">People are constantly asking me, over the last two weeks,<b> “Are you doing ok?”</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">I’m absolutely bewildered on how to answer that question. No matter what I say, I feel like I’m either being a jerk and dumping on someone who’s just trying to participate in the most basic of social exchanges and not be a total jerk. I get the fact that the other person wants you to know that they know you’re struggling, and that they don’t really have the correct words to say. But, just like saying “Let me know what I can do to help” or “let me know if you need anything”, when you say “Are you OK?”, you’re putting the burden of things on the person who is in crisis.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Of course, in this moment, I am supposed to offer up alternate statements. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">If someone was to say instead, “How was this week?” or “How are things going today?”, I feel like I can compartmentalize and say something useful, or take an easier way out and say “ok. ok.”, and move along.<br />
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When people ask me if I’m doing ok, it seems like an imposition of sorts, as if I’m supposed to organize and dissect all the completely varying and complicated emotions that are swirling around me right now. Yes. It sucks. No, she’s not suffering. Yes, I miss the hell out of her. No, we’re not ready to go back to work. Yes, Anya misses her sister. No, we didn’t sleep well last night. Yes, we wish things had gone a different way. No, we aren’t settled with the way we see the world and the justice of a freaking 22 month old getting cancer and fighting a valiant and glorious and beautiful fight for nearly 3 years.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">How does one do that in normal, comfortable conversation?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">One does not. One struggles.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">So. If you have the option, ask something kinder, something more pointed, and something that gives them the option to opt out if they desire. “Are you OK?”, doesn’t really do that.</span></div>
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Enough preaching for today? I think so.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Want to know what gluttons for punishment Shelley and I are? </span></div>
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<span class="s1">We went through all of Amie’s clothes on Wednesday. All of her clothes in the closet, in her dresser. That was hard. We also went through all of Anya’s old clothes that she’s no longer fitting in that Amie will never get the chance to wear. That was harder.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Through this entire process, I was crying. A was a sad, sobby mess. Seeing some outfits that she wore is such a tangible reminder of things, a very hyper-specific memory inducer that makes you immediately flash back to those postcard moments, those amazingly great times…and breaks you for a little bit. Of course, if you go through all her clothes in one day, as we did, it breaks you over and over and over. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">We filled up the car with Amie'</span>s clothes, and took them all to Salvation Army, minus the 5% of the stuff that we couldn't part with, and wanted to keep for all the reasons one might want to keep them. </div>
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<span class="s1">But, maybe, like ripping off a bandaid, it helped with the healing process. We’ll see, we’ll see.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ok, enough for me today, as I’m a bit raw. We’re headed to Florida in t-minus 12 hours or so. Updates from the warmth, if I’m focused.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-91575930649059966052015-02-24T09:31:00.003-08:002015-02-24T09:31:41.668-08:00Slow steps towards new normal...?<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">For all of you who have been inquiring if I’m going to continue writing, the answer is yes.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I was considering starting a whole new blog, and writing there, but in the end, as Shelley and I said tonight, a blog is a blog. So, yeah. Hi!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">A recap of the last week seems to be necessary… </span></div>
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<span class="s1">We had the funeral home visitation on Monday night, and it was beyond overwhelming to see so many people come out to say goodbye to Amie. Shelley, Anya, and I arrived at just before 1p, and had a half hour with Amie. Once 1:30p came, people started arriving, and we were talking and greeting people until just about 9pm. I think I sat down twice, and never stopped talking to people.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We didn’t count the number of people who signed the book until after the memorial service, but we’ve figured out that roughly 1000 individuals came to say goodbye and pay their respects. Wow. WOW. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">The memorial service itself was great, with Amy valiantly reading a book we asked her to read (The Fall of Freddy the Leaf) and Sarah giving some remarks, which ranged from poignant to funny to tear inducing sincerity. All in all, it was a truly great farewell to Amie.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The time since has been….quiet, and full of activity. Let me explain.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I’m not returning to work until March 16th, and Shelley currently has no work to return to, so we’ve had a lot of time to be with each other. We’ve been doing lots of things together, such as….</span></div>
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This is actually a bit of cheating, as it was before the funeral, but it's still a great picture. We sent Anya to bed with her hair still damp, and she woke up like this. So, so looking forward to HS graduation.<br />
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The full deal, had to share.</div>
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This is Shelley's new hat for me, with a fleece liner. I have several hats to wear, but they're all quite thin, and now that I have no hair for insulation, I needed something more industrial. She let me pick out the colors. Of course, it never occurred to me that these are also the Tiger's colors (sorry Amy Q!), but people have been complimenting Shelley's knitting like mad, so the public approves!</div>
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We've been playing lots of games with Anya, to make her feel as special as possible. I like this game quite a lot. It's called "Put all the blankets in the house on Anya".</div>
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Shelley prefers to do more standard things, like painting nails. How boooooorrrrring.</div>
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<span class="s1"></span>Anya has been giving horse riding lessons as well. Baby Jumping made sure to wear her helmet. Safety first, right?</div>
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<span class="s1">But we’ve also had a lot of time for quiet togetherness, and lots of reading. Shelley is reading books, I’m reading books, and Anya is reading books. Reading, reading, reading. As Amie one said to Shelley, “Momma, you know what Anya is? She a REEEEEEEEEEAAADER.” (we never got that on video, but man it would have been perfect had we done so).</span></div>
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<span class="s1">It’s a strange mix of loss and freedom, this last week. The funeral was one week ago today, and in those 7 days, I get gut punched at least once a day, in some way. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Last week Wednesday, it was standing outside Anya’s classroom door, listening to the happy chaos of an elementary school building, and taking a moment to soak in the fact that Amie will never get to Charyl Stockwell, and know the joy that Anya knows in her time there.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Yesterday it was getting a phone call as Shelley culled down Amie’s clothes, and took them out of her dresser, and coming home to comfort her, as she was having a really hard day.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But those moments are tempered by the freedom we now have to do things, unencumbered by worries about stamina, bacteria, lack of immunizations, communicability of others, etc… We can take Anya anywhere and do just about anything (that’s legal) to give her experiences that she was lacking the last two years. There’s joy in that too. Twisted, strange, and surreal joy…but joy nonetheless.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">One of the things we got to do was go to the Detroit PuppetArt Theatre....</span></div>
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Shelley discovered the <a href="http://www.puppetart.org/" target="_blank">Detroit PuppetArt Theatre</a> a few years back, and has gone to several performances thus far. I've always had to stay back with Amie, so this is the first time I was able to go.<br /><br />The performance was about Ananse, the basis for what some of you know as B'rer Rabbit. He's the West African trickster God who is the storyteller. The performance was about how he came to possess all the stories, and it was really, really well done.</div>
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Afterwards, for a few extra dollars and time, they host puppet making craft workshops. Anya always thinks this is about the best thing ever.<br />
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<span class="s1">We think we’re going to skip town and head to Florida later this week, but not altogether sure when. It all depends on Shelley’s root canal today, and how that goes. She’s getting the consult on it right now as I type. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Shelley does not like dental work. 'Nuff said.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">My perspective (which is always the correct one, absolutely, no matter what, right? RIGHT?) is that we’re going to be sad no matter where we are at, so we might as well be sad and WARM right? </span></div>
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That's Clearwater today.</div>
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<span class="s1">This is Howell. Which would YOU rather be in?</span></div>
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We're doing ok for now. As I've said before, not sure what the other options are, all considering. Not sure if I'm doing ok because of who I am, or the time we got to spend saying goodbye, but we really are, to be so presumptuous to speak for Anya and Shelley. </div>
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<span class="s1">Not sure of the frequency of my blogs for the time being. I figure when I have something to write, I will. Sound good?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Thanks all.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-81368989055885752502015-02-13T16:49:00.001-08:002015-02-14T00:20:52.128-08:00Funeral Arrangements<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">No real words tonight, just funeral arrangements.</span></div>
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ok, that's not totally true, as I want the post to have a picture, and not the map, so I will include my favorite picture of Amie from 2014.</div>
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<span class="s1"><b>Firstly, we encourage any of you to come who want to say goodbye to Amie. We really mean that. If you feel called to come, then come. Anyone who wants to come is welcome, whether you've met her or not.</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">The arrangements are going to come in 2 parts; the visitation and the memorial service.</span></div>
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<span class="s1" style="font-size: large;"><b>Visitation: Monday 2.16 2pm - 8pm</b></span></div>
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<span class="s1">Borek Jennings Funeral Homes & Cremation Service</span></div>
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<span class="s1">312 South Michigan Avenue</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Howell, MI 48843</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><a href="http://borekjennings.com/">borekjennings.com</a></span></div>
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<span class="s1">(517) 546-0100</span></div>
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The visitation will be held from 2pm until 8pm on Monday February 16th.</div>
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The parking lot for Borek Jennings will fill up FAST, however there are several lots you can get to quite easily.</div>
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<li>The parking lot for the Centerpoint Church is just below and to the right of the funeral home (SE).</li>
<li>The parking lots behind Mr. B's and the bank, on Grand River to the right and above the funeral home on the map (NE).</li>
<li>On-street parking on the surrounding streets.</li>
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We do not recommend parking in the bank parking lot, or the Post Office parking lot, just in case.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Memorial Service: Tuesday 2.17 </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">10am Gathering, 11am Service.</span></b><br />
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Centerpoint Church</div>
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214 E. Brooks St.</div>
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Howell, MI 48843</div>
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<li>Visitation and gathering at the church will start at 10am.</li>
<li>A memorial service is going to be held at 11am.</li>
<li>There will not be an open mic to speak about Amie.</li>
<li>Same rules go for parking. I believe it will fill up quick, and if you are arriving nearer to 11am, you'll probably need to seek overflow parking.</li>
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There will not be a burial following the service. </div>
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Any questions? <a href="mailto:jasonstrzalkowski@gmail.com" target="_blank">Email me.</a></div>
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Night all. Been awake for way too long and need to sleep.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-68546900552404961822015-02-13T05:00:00.000-08:002015-02-13T05:36:53.258-08:00Friends...this is that post.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Greetings All,</div>
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Amie did it. She finally did it. She decided that being here wasn't worth the trouble and all the fight she was putting up. She passed in her sleep tonight, some time between Midnight and 3am.<br />
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It's strange, the mix of sadness and relief we're both feeling. Sadness that this little ball of energy and eloquence and joy and delight will no longer be with us. Relief that she is no longer shot full of pain and discomfort.</div>
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I wrote this post originally on the 5th, and it's been sitting here since. When I originally wrote it, I was really worried about what I was going to remember (hence the pictures that will soon follow these words). But, I'm strangely not so worried about that right now.</div>
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Someone mentioned the other day on one of the blog comments (which we always read!) that maybe this time period, the week+ in a coma, was a way for Amie to let us down easy, to get us ready for the time period to come. Shelley said the same thing to me as well, without reading the comment. I think this time period, as hard as it was (and it was excruciatingly hard), was a very useful way to transition us from where we were to where we needed to be, all within a week.</div>
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Arrangements will proceed later on today, and we'll announce them here once we have them.</div>
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In order to start the process of crafting the memories in our permanent mental slide show, and bringing much more positive ones to the fore, here's a few pictures from happier times, all from the past year.</div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MtgFj3rEGJo/VNMP2NMVdSI/AAAAAAAAMJs/zGnmX2VWEIs/s1600/IMG_4961.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-MtgFj3rEGJo/VNMP2NMVdSI/AAAAAAAAMJs/zGnmX2VWEIs/s1600/IMG_4961.jpg" height="221" width="320" /></a></div>
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Shelley and Amie loved spending time outside, and where better than the peony gardens right outside Mott. For those of you who haven't been there in the spring, they're a sight to see.<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nS6zCDmvFA4/VNMP3qAUhDI/AAAAAAAAMJ0/j8HG1XJv7AM/s1600/IMG_7548.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nS6zCDmvFA4/VNMP3qAUhDI/AAAAAAAAMJ0/j8HG1XJv7AM/s1600/IMG_7548.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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Amie at Mott, once again, but looking fierce and silly, for me. </div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qv9qXRVRzGY/VNMP37phYFI/AAAAAAAAMJ4/C8CxG2-RUZk/s1600/IMG_5234.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-qv9qXRVRzGY/VNMP37phYFI/AAAAAAAAMJ4/C8CxG2-RUZk/s1600/IMG_5234.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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Amie with her precious pigtails, that she was so proud of growing back.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uKenf7XVSFI/VNOuONBG2zI/AAAAAAAAMKM/R0MDjnEjE1w/s1600/IMG_7521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uKenf7XVSFI/VNOuONBG2zI/AAAAAAAAMKM/R0MDjnEjE1w/s1600/IMG_7521.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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Amie wearing her favorite dress of the summer of 2014, which she called her "Syrup Dress", because she got syrup on it the first time she wore it. As soon as it came out of the laundry each day, she asked to wear it. </div>
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In this picture, she has "braid across" the hairstyle that she enjoyed seeing on Anya, and wanted so desperately to wear again for herself. She got that wish by the end of the summer, for just a little bit, before she started losing her hair again. She's also wearing her Hawai'i hair accessory that she and Anya got so that they could be twinsies. So much memory all packed into one little snapshot.</div>
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As I said, more to come in the days ahead. </div>
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<b>Good job, Ams the bombs. You did it.</b></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-47697558588273697772015-02-11T14:21:00.003-08:002015-02-11T14:21:42.728-08:00Nope. Still not that post. I know..Greetings All,<br />
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Just to start...we're STILL not there yet.<br />
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Just saying that sentence is a bit tiring, and a bit...horrible, too. We never want to seem ungrateful for any of our time with Amie, but to be brutal, our time with Amie is over, as she's not really there anymore.<br />
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We are in Day 7 of her in a coma, and it's been 9 days since she was talking to us. She's taken in no fluids in 7 days, and no real meals in 2 months? The sustainability of a little body that doesn't want to quit is truly, truly admirable, but also truly tiring.<br />
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We added a morphine pump to her regimen this past Monday. It's done wonders for Shelley's rest. They put her on a traditional pain pump, delivering 1 mL of the morphine solution every hour, with the option of delivering a bolus of 1 mL every 15m if needed. We give her that when she seems uncomfortable, which is surprisingly not that often.<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CRZIszD7H1M/VNvL7qLwTDI/AAAAAAAAML0/_SeixsxhfLU/s1600/IMG_9022.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-CRZIszD7H1M/VNvL7qLwTDI/AAAAAAAAML0/_SeixsxhfLU/s1600/IMG_9022.jpg" height="300" width="400" /></a></div>
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For the most part, Shelley sits with her for the grand majority of the day. She knits, she reads her books, she watches shows on her computer, or she just sits with her. I do the same, but in far more limited doses. (more on that later). Her patience, her caring, her endurance.....is beyond amazing. As many of you keep saying, Shelley is a mother of a calibre that is admirable, commendable, and a little intimidating.<br />
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We've chosen not to show you any more pictures of Amie. She's still our little girl, but to be honest, she looks quite awful. Showing you a picture of her, in her current state, is not going to add anything to any of your lives, and will quite possibly make your day very worse. So. <br />
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My sister came today, and visited for a few hours, as did Shelley's Mom yesterday, and Amie's favorite nurse, Rita. It was nice, in the sense that they all sat with us, talked about Amie, their memories of Amie, and took our minds off the grinding monotony of watching her breathe, or not breathe, or not breathe, or not breathe, and then breathe again. <br />
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A bit of backstory that I felt like talking about, as it connects direly to today.<br />
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Between Amie and Anya, in 2009, Shelley was pregnant with our 2nd child. At 18 weeks, she miscarried. The pregnancy was too far along for other methods, so we were told we needed to deliver, or other more invasive measures would need to be brought to task. We chose to deliver.<br />
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St. Joe's had a fantastic process in place, and from the first moment we walked on the Labor and Delivery floor to our exit, we were treated with kindness, respect, and deference towards the process that we had just went through, both with the loss of our expectations, and the loss of our child. We named that little boy Nathaniel. (there's a good story on why, but not right now)<br />
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At that time, I told Shelley that if I had the choice, I would not want to see him....as that would be the last and only thing I would remember about him. However, I told her, I wanted to know what she needed, and what she felt, and I'd go with that. She was the one who had carried him for 18 weeks, and I had yet to "meet" and bond with him. St. Joe's offered a wonderful process for us, where they took his footprints, took pictures of him, and let Shelley hold him for as long as she wanted. It validated her process, gave her closure, and overall, helped the healing process.<br />
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I bring this all up because it has been weighing on me heavily this past few weeks, seeing Amie. I have been quite worried that I wouldn't be able to see Amie at her funeral without imprinting her final moments on my slide show permanently, and with more weight than I wanted.<br />
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However, this week has been a good test of that...because, honestly, I think she'll look better at her funeral than she does now. I won't describe the specifics, but for those of you in the know, you know how poorly a person can look after a week of not eating, not drinking, not shutting one's eyes, or moving. It does not do a body good.<br />
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I sat with Amie for a time today (not super long, as I'm still wont to turn into a weepy, weepy ball of mess), and could really look at her for the first time without being torn up. It's absolutely amazing what a person can get used to seeing, get used to feeling, get used to getting used to. I'm not sure if this is me growing up a bit, developing emotional callouses a bit, or just being so damned numb to the experience that it's no longer a punch to my soul. But I think it's also more adult of me, stronger of me, and better of me to sit with her for longer periods, as Shelley is. <br />
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I had a former student tell me something this week that was utterly true, but she felt hesitant to say it, and had disclaimers and apologies after she said it. (right Chelsea?) She said that there is relief and freedom in the ending. Yes. Yes there is. I don't want Amie to die in the bigger, metaphysical sense...but I really want her to be done with the process she's in right now. <br />
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I feel awful <span style="font-size: xx-small;"><b>(honestly awful, not in the fake awful that people say and then launch into how good they feel)</b></span> that I am so looking forward to this summer. I want to wander the country, wander Michigan, do so many things with Anya and Shelley. I want to spread our wings and show Anya how many amazing things there are in America. I want to visit every major art museum from here to the west coast and back. I want to show her the mountains. I want to take her to the ocean. I want to break free of the stasis that we've been in for the past 29 months. Once again, I feel awful for this, because it makes me more aware of how I'm not in the moment, which I am when I can....but I also have all the above.<br />
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Some fun pics to end the post:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xGlazNEnofY/VNvL9lO0dII/AAAAAAAAMMM/8j6WoA3hGuE/s1600/IMG_9029.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-xGlazNEnofY/VNvL9lO0dII/AAAAAAAAMMM/8j6WoA3hGuE/s1600/IMG_9029.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
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A wonderful woman who greets Anya each day as she enters school told Anya that she had an extra American Girl horse, if Anya wanted it. </div>
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She gave it to her today, and she couldn't have been more happy. </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bjpPuoeRsCc/VNvL7j-f5fI/AAAAAAAAMLw/wf3JcsoKujs/s1600/Cousin%2BAnya.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-bjpPuoeRsCc/VNvL7j-f5fI/AAAAAAAAMLw/wf3JcsoKujs/s1600/Cousin%2BAnya.jpg" height="200" width="400" /></a></div>
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Anya is ever my silly girl, and always willing to go the extra mile with me to take the best picture. This is one such case. She's never seen the Addams Family, nor does she know who "Cousin It" is. But we had fun with that this morning.</div>
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Every time I write a post I keep imagining this is my last...but I truly hope the next one that I post will be the post I've had written for a while. It's time.</div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-53651393272426630992015-02-08T12:44:00.003-08:002015-02-08T13:18:34.864-08:00Once again, we’re not there yet….<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Once again, we’re not there yet….</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Last post, Amie was still tangentially with us, still able to track you with her eyes, and had minimal responses. She would give you little hand hugs, and would grunt at you if you were making her upset.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We’re now in coma-ville, with zero reponsiveness, starting late Wednesday night.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We were awoken early Thursday morning (1am-ish), with Amie making a noise (and I’m not being a jerk here, just for descriptive properties) that was exactly like the zombies on the Walking Dead. We were absolutely sure that she had come to her end, and we were ready to meet it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But she calmed down, and fell back asleep, and we did as well. Hospice came in on Thursday morning, and we transitioned into IV morphine, every 2 hours, for pain control. Yes. Every 2 hours. As you might be imagining right now, this swings us back around to the very first days of having Amie in our bedroom, with Shelley breastfeeding. Only now, she’s taking care of her on the way out, instead of the way in.</span></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X37usPKHZeE/VNfJiYZsSgI/AAAAAAAAMLE/nnqU87N-d-c/s1600/IMG_8869.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-X37usPKHZeE/VNfJiYZsSgI/AAAAAAAAMLE/nnqU87N-d-c/s1600/IMG_8869.jpg" height="400" width="300" /></a></div>
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<span class="s1">So, we’re now in day 4 of coma-ville, and Shelley is giving her all the meds, as she has since diagnosis. I offer to help, but to quote Shelley, “You’re pretty much worthless in the middle of the night, and you’re going to wake me up anyway, and I’ll be worried about Amie.” So, this process is pretty much grinding her to bits.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Hospice came again today to deliver more morphine, as we were running out. Kathy said that Amie could realistically go any second, but then again, she could last for a bunch of days. We really have no idea.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I don’t think I can possibly explain how strange, and heartrending, this situation has been over the last 4 days. Amie lays on her mattress in our room. She breathes, and then she stops. Sometimes her pauses last for more than a couple minutes. You say to yourself, “Ok, that was it.” …and then she has this ripping gasp, and breathes again. And keeps breathing. For hours. You convince yourself that everything is good, until she stops breathing again. Rinse. Repeat.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">It’s so surreal too. She’s Amie. But she’s just not moving, not her, not what I expect, and not responsive. (If I was to say she was like furniture, that would be a really poopy comment, so I shall not make it.)</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But through all of this, Shelley has been amazing. She’s been sitting with Amie for hours and hours a day. She cleans her, rocks her, hugs her, and is just present with her as much as possible. Me? I am doing my best. But any time I spend with her is like getting beaten, emotionally. It. Just. Hurts. …and I know that’s about me, and not about Amie, but I am really doing my best. Shelley is too. We all are.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">So. That’s where we are, and that’s whats going on for the moment. We’re in neutral, waiting to go to the next stage.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The thing that no one tells you, and you’re not supposed to talk about, is there is an upside to this end stage. Your life has been hijacked for X months, and you’ve dedicated every cell, every moment, every thought to how to help make your daughter survive this. But you lost. Suck it up, and move along. But you’re free to go home, lick your wounds, and figure out what comes next.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Except we can’t. It’s like we’re stuck at baggage claim, waiting as the same suitcase goes round and round, and hoping that you’ll see yours poop out any second. Yep. We’re still waiting at Baggage Carousel #14.</span></div>
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Anya has decided that Amie's friends need to be watching over her. This is Cardinal and Bianca.<br />
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Anya thought that having Amie hold some of the hearts was a good idea. We've been having her hold hearts for a few days now, so a certain few of them have certified Amie juices on them.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wty-fEmZtzE/VNfJhhHoFMI/AAAAAAAAMK0/I8AgJnCizeE/s1600/IMG_8862.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-Wty-fEmZtzE/VNfJhhHoFMI/AAAAAAAAMK0/I8AgJnCizeE/s1600/IMG_8862.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
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Of course, Amie's constant companion has been Baby Jumping. So. Good.</div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iWUrkSQxu7s/VNfJgxQVSoI/AAAAAAAAMKk/7fnsMBaVkPc/s1600/IMG_8850.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-iWUrkSQxu7s/VNfJgxQVSoI/AAAAAAAAMKk/7fnsMBaVkPc/s1600/IMG_8850.jpg" height="640" width="480" /></a></div>
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More than anything else, we've been holding her hand. <br />
We didn't want to post other pictures, because that wasn't going to add to anyone else's positive experiences. But Amie's hand is still warm, and maybe she can still gain some semblance of comfort from holding our hands.</div>
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<span class="s1">OK, y’all. Enough playing with words for me, and time to wade back in to my reality, instead of riffing on my thoughts.</span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-23557275481542398832015-02-04T14:28:00.001-08:002015-02-04T14:36:14.453-08:00NOT THAT POST...we're not there yet.<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">first things first: We’re not there yet.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Amie’s still alive, at least physically. I thought it best to do an update, as that’s where my brain was, and if I have the words, why not let them spill.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">My last post was on Saturday, and talked about how Amie was slipping away. Well, she’s gone, and yet she isn’t. She’s physically alive, but no longer responding to us much. Yesterday, she told Shelley she loved her twice, and she gave me a few minor squeezes with her left hand. I like to call those ‘hand hugs’. I’m good like that. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Today, she hasn’t really responded much, and just has the glassy ‘1000 yard stare’, where we aren’t really sure how to meet her needs. As Shelley said today, she’s trapped between this space where she doesn’t want to be agitating Amie with her presence and wants to let her rest…but then again doesn’t know if Amie is lonely and scared, lying in our bedroom by herself. So we vacillate between hovering and cuddling, with leaving her alone. Lacking communication, there’s no real way to know, so she does a lot of both.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">For me, this has been a really, really rough week. Much harder for me than any other week, and that’s a strange thing. It seems like weeks like brain surgery should be much harder….but after each of the surgeries, and after each round of chemo, or blood transfusion, she was just Amie. She was funny, she cracked jokes, she wanted snuggles, she asked for things. She was a vibrant kid who shined like a beacon to others. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">But all of that is gone.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">She’s just a shell of herself, hanging on. And that’s just so damned hard for me to deal with on a daily basis, that the kid who was an epically passionate kid has descended into this place where she’s literally on pause.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Part of the reason I am having such a hard time with all of this is that I’m aware that my postitive memories are being sublimated by these new ones, and I’m sickened by the thought that this is what I’ve got as the last slide in my slide show <i><span style="font-size: x-small;">(Kids, slides were these things we used to display pictures before we had digital, and the internet. Ask your parents.) </span></i> I know we’ve documented things incredibly well, but damn it. damn it. damn it, I hate that these are my last images that are going to sit in my mind, and it’s not like I can help that process.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">ok. I’m going to stop that now, as I don’t want to go any further down that lane.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"></span>Anya has been amazing through all of this, as many of you have been asking. She's fallen into reading suddenly, and has been reading at least a book a day for the last 2 weeks. She's destroying the Magic Tree House series (I think she's done the first 20 books already), as well as the Junie B. Jones series. She's still doing art projects all over the place too. </div>
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Her classroom is the Narwhal classroom at <a href="http://www.csaschool.org/" target="_blank">Charyl Stockwell Academy</a>, and is just such a healing sanctuary for her (Narwhal fo lyfe! Right Ms. Churchill and Ms. Simon?)</div>
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<span class="s1"></span>Shelley had a great (pinterest?) idea of doing some watercolor painting on snow, and crafting really cool snowscapes. This is part of what Anya worked on for hours and hours last night. If I can get more pix from Shel, I'll share them in the next blog. So, so creative that little girl.</div>
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<span class="s1">Shelley has finished her mission with the hearts, and as you can imagine when it comes to Shelley and crafts, they are amazing. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">She finished over 2000 of them, and probably has some stress to her arm from repetitive motion in doing all of that. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">I wanted to finish up with a video of Shelley singing Jingle Bells to Amie the other day. SO. GOOD. I’m crying the entire time I’m capturing this, by the way. Amie LOVES Jingle Bells.</span></div>
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Shelley really wanted to cuddle Amie, and feel her close, at least one more time, so we moved her into the girl's bedroom to do that. For those of you not intimately aware of my house layout, this is the chair I bought for Shelley to nurse Anya in, as she was pregnant with Anya in the summer of 2007....so it's got a lot of memories.</div>
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<span class="s1">As a last note, as I feel bad for just puking my emotions all over the internet with this, thanks for the consistently positive stream of messages and kindnesses that have been sent our way over the last weeks and months. While we don’t respond to every one, we do read all of them. We really appreciate it, and it’s always amazing knowing how many of you are with us on this grand (unwanted) adventure.</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-41720917624560276352015-01-31T13:00:00.000-08:002015-01-31T13:00:14.481-08:00Yeah…she’s good stuff.<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All,</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I like to be the deliverer of happy witticisms in my posts, and I’m going to do my best to do that with this one as well, but there’s just no hiding the fact that this will most likely be the last post I make before Amie dies.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Let’s back up since the last post I did on Wednesday. When I was last checking in, Amie was vomiting every 90-120 minutes. She was really uncomfortable, and had started reporting what we knew to be both tumor pain (head) and nerve pain (extremities). Remember what I was saying about things getting worse in the last blog post? We were starting to really see it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We called hospice on Wednesday night, and they came in on Thursday morning. After consultation, and seeing in just how poor a shape Amie was at the time, they called Dr. Pittuch to consult. They decided that the vomiting was most likely due to the brain tumor growth, which was affecting intracranial pressure. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">As a relatable point, if any of you have ever had a really bad migraine, and became nauseous because of it, you were suffering what Amie was suffering…’cept hers was stretched over 36 hours. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Kathy (our hospice nurse) accessed Amie through her port, and then we gave her a large dose of steroids every 6 hours for the first day, and then have been giving them to her every 12 hours. This immediately stopped the vomiting. I cannot possibly explain how much more comfortable she was, and relieved we were, to see her vomiting stop. I think she puked 15-20x that day. So. Awful.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">As we were giving Amie super frequent doses of Oxycodone for her pain, they also increased her dosage of methadone. She is now comfortable and resting, which is beyond helpful to our mental state.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But she’s also slipping away. She rested and dozed for around 22 hours yesterday, almost entirely in her bed in our bedroom. Today, she woke up this morning around 7:30a, and wanted to come with us out to the living room, and that’s where she’s been all day. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">She talks occasionally, but mostly just sleeps and gazes at things when she’s awake. We keep her warm, and comfortable, and talk to her when she’s awake…but mostly she's just floating.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I hope the next bit doesn’t come off sounding overly-jokey or minimizing, but it’s so damned strange to be playing a computer game, and look over and wonder if your daughter has died. You stare at her for 20 seconds, don’t see a breath (or at least it’s shallow enough you can’t see it from 8 feet away), and wonder if that was it. Then you see her take a breath, or move her eyes, and think….”Well, I guess not”…..and then repeat that a few times an hour, all day long.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Shelley and I are both ready for it to happen. We’ve prepared ourselves as much as we think we can, and made a bunch of phone calls/texts/emails to close family to let them know that time is short, and last goodbyes are ready to be said.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ok, now that I’ve done that, I wanted to share with you Shelley’s quest. Her mission.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">When we went to Borek Jennings (Thanks again to Noel for doing all the prep work for us!) to do all the preparations a while back, we both said we weren’t interested in the traditional Catholic prayer card. We wanted something a little more personal, a little more appropriate for everyday life for people. That was the last <b>I</b> thought of it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Shelley, however, thinks all the time about crafty stuff, and has been plotting out a way to carry out her awesome plan. She wanted something that she could make a LOT of, and have available to everyone who came to the visitation/service…but wanted them to be something that people, both religious and not, could keep with them to think about and remember Amie.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">What she came up with are these small fimo clay hearts, with a small A pressed into them, with a metal punch A.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">She searched for several weeks for the correct tool, and found it at Wal-Mart of all places. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Here’s where things got difficult, though. How many to make? We would love as many people to come to her visitation and service as would feel comfortable coming (seriously…if you want to come, then come.) But we also imagine that there’s a lot of people who might not be able to handle coming, which we also understand. Should we make 200, or 2000?</span></div>
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Shelley decided on the more the better. She is aiming for making 1800 of them, and all the ones we don’t use, we’ll leave for people across the world, as we go about our journey in the years to come.</span></div>
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Anya is always willing to do the silliest stuff with me in pictures. So, so much love for her.</div>
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She was getting hungry. She started trying to eat them. I had to stop her.</div>
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<span style="text-align: start;">Here’s what I love about Shelley (ok, not the only thing, as that would be cruel), is that she is the eternal “lemonade from lemons” kind of person. As Neil Gaiman said in the best graduation speech ever, she just wants to Make Good Art.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Give her the worst thing that a parent could be hit with, and what does she want to do? Make Good Art, and share the love, share the memories of Amie, and share the experience that she’s been going </span></div>
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<span class="s1">through.</span></div>
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<span class="s1"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Yeah…she’s good stuff.</b></span></span></div>
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<span class="s1">OK, y’all. I promised Shelley I wouldn’t take too long on this, and I want to hold myself to it. Be ready, friends of Amie, <b>we’re almost home.</b></span></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1620945538911190251.post-3691000551270040962015-01-28T14:36:00.001-08:002015-01-28T14:36:06.201-08:00Must. Stop. Typing.<div class="p1">
<span class="s1">Greetings All!</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Ahhh, what to say, what to say.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">The day after my last blog post Amie and Shel went for a checkup at Mott, to see Dr. Robertson, Dr. Pittuch (the hospice), and Marsha (the nurse practitioner). They sat down and talked with Shelley for a long time, and they ultimately said (I’m paraphrasing here) that she still looks really good, all considering. They said she could go on like this for weeks, if not months.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">I was not there when they said this.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">My brain nearly exploded when Shelley related this to me. How in the hell could this be considered good? We’re still above water? Really?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">But what they were really saying is that the end is going to look so absolutely terrible, so awful, that you have a long way to go until you find out what bad really is.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Now, that’s of course not what they were saying, as that would be incredibly unkind and not helpful. Except that is exactly what they were saying in spirit. I know that. It’s just a gut-punch to hear it.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">We slid several steps more towards that eventuality this week, as Amie has been vomiting much, much more this week. She puked 6x on Tuesday, and literally couldn’t keep anything down. She’s losing her ability to keep herself upright, and can’t sit at the table to do crafts much anymore. We tried several work arounds this week, but the simple reality is that the act of keeping her torso and head upright and straight is such a huge energy suck that it is just not worth it for her. She’s also sleeping more, moving less, and far more inconsolable.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">On a terrific, and much more sunny side, Anya went to Special Days camp last week. Parents: you know those moments where all your worries subside? When you really realize just what a good kid you have on your hand, forgetting all the things you want them to improve upon?</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Bringing Anya to the bus for Special Days camp is just that moment. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">As we are driving up to the bus, she says to me that in past years, everyone has come out to put her on the bus. Amie, Shelley, me…we all come to send her off and wish her well. She said that having us all there to send her off was great, and not having it happen made her kind of sad….but that Mommy was where she needed to be, taking care of Amie. To be able to step outside of yourself and your needs, and make a comment like that… priceless. It’s definitely one of those golden moments where you know that you’ve done alright.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">On top of that, in her two previous trips, she’s always sat at the very front, and loved that. As we walked on, these 4 younger girls were sitting in the first 4 seats across from each other. She stopped, looked at them, looked at me, and then said quietly, “This is where I’ve always sat.” I smiled, looked at her, and said that she was older now, and they were younger, and maybe they needed the seats more than her. She just smiled and sat in the next row. The patience and acceptance of that is great. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Of course, I take very little credit for any of that, I give it all to Shelley. I’m the “rile the kids up” guy…the “poop and fart joke” guy, the “wrestle until someone gets hurt” guy. I insert chaotic fun into things. Shelley inserts the stuff of legend. :)</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Camp for Anya is this place of fun and escape, and something that is 100% hers. She is protected, cherished, and never ever has to talk about cancer, or how she needs to calm down for her sister’s sake. Ever. It is such a great escape for her, 2x a year. Love those people. Right, Jen?</span></div>
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Shelley's parents came over today to spend time with Amie and Anya to make cookies with the girls.</div>
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Amie did her absolute best, but it was just way beyond what she had the energy for. </div>
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As an aside, do y'all notice the new hat for Valentines Day? :)</div>
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<span class="s1">I want to write more, but I want to post this tonight. </span></div>
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<span class="s1">Must. Stop. Typing.</span></div>
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<span class="s1">Night All.</span></div>
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