Saturday, November 1, 2014

Here's to small victories, and doing your best with what you've got...

There's a band that I've been obsessed with for years, and I imagine that most of you haven't heard of them.  Their name is Dead Can Dance.  A story I read a long time ago (which could be off, or made up, or just plain a lie) is that the name of their band came from an aboriginal ceremony where found wood is carved into a mask, and then used in a ceremony to celebrate life.  Thus the dead (the wood) comes back to life in the most life affirming

I have been gravitating back towards them in the last month, and their live album "Towards the Within" specifically.  I took a long walk around Ann Arbor this afternoon, headphones in, and listened to this album twice.  It was a great time to clear my head, have some time to process, enjoy being outside, and think.

Here is a video of the concert that the live album was recorded at.  Feel free to enjoy, or if nothing else, listen to where Lisa Gerrard drops her voice in at 4:11.  Her voice is so...otherworldly to me. Lisa Gerrard is the the lady playing the hammered dulcimer at the start of the video.  No I did not know the name of that instrument.  I looked it up.

Anyway, I bring this all up, because I don't know what to do with the blog now.  It's been weighing heavily on my mind for the last few days.  I don't feel as though me telling you the beat by beat of her decline is going to do anyone any good.  At all.

However, I don't feel as though just talking about the good moments she is having would be faithful either.  It would mislead people into believing something that was not true, or at least not the true picture of where she is at.

If I ask you for feedback, people are going to either not respond, or tell me to do whatever the hell I want to do, because it is my blog after all.  :)  But I'm torn.  Pondering.  Feel free to email/comment your thoughts, but only if you feel compelled.

One thing I did want to talk about though...the idea that Shelley and I are "strong".  I feel inherently dishonest in people consistently saying that.  It's as though we've got something special going on, and that other people would be acting differently.  I mean, sure, some might...but I think most wouldn't.  I think most people, put into this situation, would be acting quite similarly.  Really.

Here's what I know:  I've done some fantastically cowardly things in my lifetime (yes, I'm speaking to you, CC/CF), and other things that I'm really not overly proud of having done.  I've had to learn to see confrontation as something that can be a teachable moment, and not just something to avoid like ebola.

I can't really speak to Shelley's feelings, but I do know that I don't feel that strong at all...I just feel like someone doing their absolute best, under nearly unbearable stress, to hold it all together.  I show a really good face at work, on Facebook, and on the blog.  But I'm a mess a LOT.  Just like the people who think their life is substandard after looking at FB, know that we are balls of mess quite often...we just don't publicize that side of things.

A few things to highlight:

We got our Angels of Hope grant!  Angels of Hope is a Metro Detroit based group that helps out families struggling with things like this, and tries to lift the burden a bit.  After a bit of conversation and discussion, we came to the decision that helping us out with gasoline would be a fantastic way to help us.  We received the gift cards last night.  Thanks!  Click here to Donate to them.

Uncle Chad and Aunt Emily were able to come to the hospital today, and hang out with us for a few hours.  Amie really loved getting her car rides from them.  And me.  And Mommy.  And me.  And Mommy.

Oh yeah! We're in the hospital for the weekend getting palliative radiation, and helping get her pain under control.  We might be out tomorrow night, or Monday afternoon.  Not sure when or which.

Pardon the graininess, but I didn't want to raise the light level nor use a flash (iPhone 6+ camera is AMAZING, btw).  I wanted to end the blog post with a picture of just how serene she is still, when she sleeps.  The pain hasn't taken that yet.  Celebrate what you have, and the victories when you have them.

I'm sleeping here tonight.

Nighty night all!