Sunday, September 16, 2012

A rambling, sleep deprived post...

I've tried to get some sleep, and there's just too many interruptions in the hospital room to get anything more than a few minutes, and then I'm just wired from being jolted out of sleep from some alarm or Amelie crying.

So instead, I'll do a rambling post about today.

This is my favorite picture I've ever taken of the girls.  Ever.  I could sit and write for at least an hour about why I love this picture.  Most of all, the reason I love it is the overwhelming personality that is shooting out of it.

My sister once said to me, "Jason, what is so wrong with being normal?" I've never really wanted to be normal.  I'm not saying I always strive to be different in all situations, but I do enjoy stepping outside the boundaries of what is expected, what is asked of me, and decide for myself what I think is best for that situation.  In some cases, this has been disastrous for me, and in others it has been an overwhelming success.

So I think more than anything else, when I see this picture, I think of my two girls as Adventurers, as Scouts on the hunt for something special.  A desire to find the unique, the spunky, the different.

Today, I saw Amie make the same face she's making me.  It was our special scrunchy face smile that she started doing towards me, and it took a good bit of effort for her to do today.  But she did it, and it was perfect.  Just perfect.

Another thing I'm thinking about tonight is a Buddhist ideal....  When I first was introduced to the core concepts of Buddhism in a course at EMU, I chafed at the idea that to be Buddhist was to embrace the idea that "Life is Suffering".  I even totally offended a girl on a date once by challenging her Buddhist beliefs in that vein. (I do not identify as a Buddhist, but I do sure appreciate many of their concepts...I felt like I needed to say that at this point in my rambling.)

However, I came to this idea a while ago that if you can embrace the idea that life is suffering, that everything is temporary, that all things will disappear no matter how hard you struggle against can truly appreciate what you have at that moment.  That's a thought that I really tried to embrace today.

Amelie is a mess.  We can all agree to that.  But once you look past that, she's this little girl who is scoffing at all this mess and pain and blood and her "hat", and just wanted to be close to her mom and dad and sister and start being herself again.

I could easily fall into a pattern where I was channeling all these negative emotions, railing against how absolutely freaking unfair it is that we've had medical emergency after medical emergency with the kids for the last 6 years....  or I can slow down. Breathe.  ....and enjoy what I've got.

I've got Amelie being a chatterbox and telling everyone "Hi" and "bye", and having her waving and blowing kisses.  I can sing her the same songs over and over and over and over and over that bring her solace and relaxation...helping her fall asleep.

So yeah, I'm doing my bit to embrace a little bit of Siddhartha's enlightenment here at 11:40pm, hoping Shelley is powering up while she sleeps and she has a little bit more energy when comes on shift after midnight.

Good night everyone.  I'm out.  Going to go kiss her hand, and sing one more round.